Musings of an Unfinished Woman

Expectations and Time for Everything

Since my year of Hep C Treatment, I have a new normal...I just don't have the energy or stamina that I used to have, I'm more susceptible to getting sick and when I am sick, it  can accelerate to something serious much more easily. For the most part, I've accepted this new normal...I'm sure my age and being overweight also contribute to it. My Mom, Grandma...actually all of my female relatives, were all strong, hardworking women and my brothers and I were taught the value of a good work ethic, which always meant if there was work to be done, get to it. Spring cleaning (done twice a year in the spring and fall) was a fact of life...heaven forbid if we had dirty baseboards! It's difficult to merge the old thought patterns taught to me by generations and merge it with today's world, and still be a sane woman. Like most women, I work 40 plus hours a week, manage our home, finances, grocery shopping, cooking, bill paying, plus shuttle Shanna to and from her activities. I'm not sure how women with more than one child manage their schedules?

We moved two years ago from a large house to a smaller condo with no outside upkeep...we love having our yardwork done every Wednesday by a maintenance crew who takes care of the whole complex (photo is of one of the "common areas in our condo complex). We didn't want to spend all our "at home time" cleaning, maintaining, doing yardwork, etc. It takes me 60-90 minutes to clean my home...I only do the upstairs (Shanna is responsible for her family room, bedroom and bathroom, and that is an entirely different post!!). Last week, for the first time in over a year, I skipped my weekly house clean...I was super busy at work, didn't feel good, had things going several nights...so I let it go. Somehow, a strange thing happens when I don't do my weekly house clean...the clutter increases too, so not only don't I have a clean house, but it feels messy too. It's driving me nuts...so my personal lesson is that housecleaning... that 60 to 90 minutes a week...are necessary for my mental health.

I don't "cook" every night. Shanna eats all the time and usually fixes her own meals. Russell gets home late, so I nearly always eat early and alone...so when I do cook, I make enough for several meals. I grew up with "family dinners" every night where we all sat down and ate together and although I love the idea, with our schedules, it just isn't going to happen. My point with all this is that it's hard to know what you can let go and what you need to do. My Mom didn't work outside the home until after we were all in high school. We didn't have the insane school, sports, music and church schedule that kids nowadays have. Where do you draw the line...where do we as women find the time to do the things we want without the guilt? For example, Shanna is playing in the pit orchestra for the upcoming school musical and practices start tomorrow. She also has tutoring tomorrow. Wednesday night is private saxophone lessons and her church life group. This Thursday (my house cleaning night) I start hosting a weekly women's life group in my home, something I am choosing to do for 10 weeks and even though I really want and need to make those personal, close relationships with other women...and yet, there's still a part of me that wants to cancel because it's one more thing in my life...but this is something that I NEED in my life...that leaves Monday and Friday nights and the weekend to get everything else done.

We have deliberately set aside Saturday as "our day". We always sleep in...with my health history and the really long hours Russell works, we find that if we don't sleep in one day a week, it really affects our energy, mood and stamina for the upcoming week. Now Shanna has drivers education class every Saturday (9 to noon) from now until December 6...plus 12 hours of driving time scheduled in. Saturdays have, for the last several years, been our day to "play" in our craft room...Russell and I share a craft room (it's actually the master bedroom of the condo but it's the biggest room other than the living or dining room). The photo above is my half of the craft room (I'll have to take some photos of Russell's half). Russell does model railroading and I scrapbook. We save our weekly shows on the DVR and watch them together on Saturdays while we're crafting. Shanna used to join us and play with Legos, have craft projects, etc. but as she's grown older, she is more likely to spend time with friends or stay in her room.

Other than making my transformation notebook, I haven't scrapbooked in over two months...and I miss it so much. Russell made the comment yesterday that he hopes we can spend some time in the craft room this weekend...we both rely on that time to relax, escape into our crafts, spend time together and talk. Sometimes, we'll spend the first hour or so just listening to music and catch up with each other. Sunday is church and we attend two of the three services...one for actual church and the other for a life group (parents of teens) while Shanna attends the regular church service and then youth church. Sunday afternoons are nearly always "couch potato" time...where we watch movies, read, take a nap and don't do anything.

Shuttling Shanna around to her activities will only be for another year or two...part of me rejoices and looks forward to that and the other part of me grieves that she is nearly grown-up and won't need me to drive her around much longer. We each have "seasons" of our life and right now, with a busy teenager, this season is more about keeping up with Shanna than satisfying my own needs and yet, I can't and don't want to ignore those wants and needs...but that's what we, as women, so often do. How do you balance everything and still have time (and energy) for you? That's my question to you...do you feel like you're putting yourself on the back burner or do you make time for you?

Busy Weekend...Baby Elephant Update

Our weekend flew past and I'm not feeling as rested as I'd like to start a busy new week. We were up at the crack of dawn to get Shanna to her first Drivers Education class...being held at Mt Hood Community College which is about 12 miles from our house. It's a fairly large campus so we left early to make sure we could find the correct room and not be late (that's one of my big pet peeves - I HATE being late to anything). There wasn't any Saturday morning traffic (I'm assuming everyone was sleeping), we got there, easily found the classroom and had nearly 25 minutes to spare...which didn't make Shanna too happy. It was actually funny to sit outside the classroom and watch all these teens walk up with their parents. Every teen walked up with a phone and/or Ipod in one hand (hello...who do they know whose awake and wants to talk at that time of day?), slumped over, backpack slung over their shoulders with that "I can't believe you're making me do this" look on their face...If you're a parent, you've been the recipient of that look.We left, did errands and came back for the hour parent orientation. Fortunately, Shanna really likes the instructor so she wasn't as hostile about the class after wards.

Earlier in the week, we bought a year long membership to the Oregon Zoo, mostly because of the new baby elephant. We told Shanna and my mother-in-law that we would take them on Saturday afternoon... not knowing that Saturday was the World Animal Festival. And then, on the front page of the Oregonian was a picture of Sam, the baby elephant with his Mom, Rose Tu, inviting the public to come and see him. Add to that a beautiful fall day...80 degrees and you have what seemed half of Portland there. The parking lot was full so we had to ride a "shuttle bus" to the zoo. Russell and I waited in the baby elephant line while Shanna and my wonderful Mother-in-Law, Charlotte, wandered around.

It was well worth the wait...oh my goodness...what a cute elephant. They let him and his mom, outside right before it was our turn so he was in fine form, running, trotting, sliding and trying to get into the pool.

I'll definitely have enough photos to do a mini-scrapbook of this little fellow. Is he not the cutest thing you've seen in quite some time...

Teenagers, Dates and Driving

If you are a parent, particularly a parent of a 16 year old (girl), then you know that most of the time the world revolves around them (just ask them) and we, as parents, are placed on this earth to provide food, shelter, clothing, money and rides...this isn't my favorite phase of life (when I was 16 and now, living with a 16 year old). Let me say though, that despite the "at home" attitude, Shanna is an awesome kid - we are told this by anyone who doesn't live with us...teachers, the parents of her friends, the youth leaders, other kids, etc. She is really tuned into other people (just not us) and sticking up for the "underdog"...that's always been one of her very best qualities...she's always had a tender heart...so with these reports, I know we've done a good job of raising her. With that said, it doesn't seem like she's very "tuned in" to us...until we are ready to have some couple time and go on a date.

I just signed her up for drivers education, although with her 32 hours behind the wheel, she's convinced that she is ready to get her drivers license and knows everything there is to know about driving...I think not. The only drivers course available for a reasonable price within a reasonable driving distance is on Saturday mornings from 9 to noon. Let me tell you, signing her up for that time slot just about killed me. Saturday mornings are sleep-in days for all three of us and we're rarely out of bed before 9:30 or 10...but for the next ten weeks it's up early on Saturdays...yuck. We go to church on Sundays so can't sleep in that day...I'm already crabby just thinking about it...anyway...I digress. Russell and I are thinking that might be a good time for a date...but really, where does one go on a date on a Saturday morning at 9 am...especially since it will be rainy here again soon!

We hardly ever go out on a week night date...Russell rarely gets home from work before 7 and with "peak" coming up soon (that's UPS talk for 12 hour days), it will be later...by the time Friday night rolls around, we are both so exhausted we are usually couch potatoes catching up on our TV shows. Ever since my year of Hep C Treatment, I don't have the endurance or stamina that I used to have...so our dates are usually on Saturdays. We're in a rut of going to the same place all the time...so I'm looking for ideas and fun things to do on a date.

Any thoughts...what are some of the fun things you've done with your sweetie? Nothing that would cost a ton of money...we just paid for drivers education!

Quote of the Day

There is no time warp. We cannot go back, only forward. Living well is a deliberate decision. One made every day under all circumstances. Appreciating the absurd in life keeps us sane. Finding time to laugh and people to laugh with is what true friendship is all about.

I don't think there's anything more precious than hearing the laughter of a child...to see the shear pleasure over the simplest things. Shanna is about 16 months old in this photo (wasn't she a cutie!!). What a delightful, funny child she was...we never had the terrible toddler years with her...she was nearly always happy and made us laugh with her silly and goofy little ways...good memories.

Me and Cathy Z...Design Your Life

I am a scrapbooker...that's a huge part of who I am...I've been scrapping for over 16 years. I have taught so many classes, and taken a few through the years...at the CK Convention a couple years in a row...they were okay but nothing I would want to do again. Two years ago, I had the privilege of going to CKU in San Jose with my very good friend Sandra and we took Margie Romney Asletts class which was good and a lot of fun, but not really my style. The best class I've ever taken was Stacy Julian's "Library of Memories" through Big Picture Scrapbooking. If you always feel like you're behind and are ready to give up chronological scrapping  and you're wanting to have more meaningful pages...scrapping the memories and moments, take this class when she offers it again. It's well worth every dollar and hour of time you spend on it. 

With that said, I decided not to take any more classes...and then found out that the divine Cathy Zielske is teaching "Design Your Life". If you haven't visited her blog Bits and Pieces, you should...she's very funny and oh so real. And I absolutely love her scrapping style...simple, basic, elegant...so I decided to use my birthday money and take her class. I'm ridiculously excited...anyone else taking the class? 

Did anyone take Stacy Julian's "Have More Fun" class? I couldn't justify the money but wanted to take it so I could figure out the magic of photo album scrapbooking using those albums with the pockets. I love the looks of some of the pages I've seen on Two Peas but just can't seem to get the hang of it. I think I'm making it too hard... 

Mama Needs Tires

Craig, one of the drivers Russell works with at UPS, made the comment awhile back that he was working some overtime because "Mama needs tires". This struck me funny and it's become a joke between us (Russell and I have agreed that we will NEVER call each other mother and dad like some couples do). So several weeks ago when I had my car aligned (I was going to say I had my rear-end aligned...but that sounds bad), they told me I needed tires...so of course, I came home and told Russell: "Mama needs tires."

Who knew that tires...not fancy ones with expensive rims...just regular black tires...could cost so much? We ended up ordering them online from Costco, which is a good thing and a bad thing. They email you when they are in and you go in and have them installed...however, what you don't know is that Costco Tire Centers don't take appointments...you take your car in and wait. What a great way to spend a couple of hours...sitting on a hard plastic chair on an 85 degree day smelling tires (ewww) and listening to a family of Russians talking...have you ever noticed that the women always wear scarves and they seem to wear an excessive amount of cologne or perfume...so add that into the tire smell and it was almost nauseating.

Amazing how expensive four pieces of rubber cost...there goes several hundred dollars...sigh. Last week, Craig (at UPS) told Russell he's working overtime because "Mama wants a Cadillac"...hmmm...not this Mama. I'm still in shock over how much insurance will be once Shanna gets her license (good thing she's not a boy!), which won't be until AFTER she finishes her drivers education class, which starts tomorrow. Did I mention that it's every Saturday morning until December 6.

Speaking of December, did you know that Costco already has four aisles of Christmas stuff for sale (since the last week in August!)? I remember when Christmas didn't start until the day after Thanksgiving...those were the days when no-one was open for holidays, and the night of Thanksgiving either the Wizard of Oz or Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (with Leslie Anne Warren) would be on TV...those were also the days with only three TV channels and one TV per family...your TV was either one of those with rabbit ears (which only worked part of the time) or it was in a huge maple or oak console (with a Hi-Fi) that took up half of one wall and weighed about 800 pounds. Am I the only one who is old enough to remember those days and think fondly of them?

Happy Friday!

Fall is Here...Elephant Update

It’s officially fall here in Oregon. The leaves are starting to turn…the air has that nip to it…and even when it’s sunny, you want to wear a sweater. As a kid, I hated fall…not the going back to school part but the turning of the weather. I grew up in Colorado

and fall signaled snow. I’m not an extreme weather girl…cold or hot and the winters were long and cold…and yes, I walked to school (uphill both ways!!). This photo was taken early last October in the Columbia Gorge.

In Oregon fall and winter brings the return of rain…and you know I’m okay with that. I always seem to have more time for scrapping in the fall and winter months (plus a new season of our favorite TV shows). I love walking through crunchy leaves. One of the things on my life list is to go to the New England states in the fall…I’ve seen photos of the beautiful fall foliage…we're not as dramatic, but it's still really pretty here.

Due in large part to Mr. Sam...the cute little elephant at the Portland Zoo (he’s one month old as of yesterday) we bought a family membership and are taking Shanna and my in-laws to see Sam this weekend. He’s so adorable...he’s gaining about 2.5 pounds a day. When we were watching him on Monday, he kept getting his back legs crossed and the only way he could figure out how to untangle himself was to walk backwards...what a hoot. The elephant keepers have the three female elephants "jog" every morning and they grab each others tails and run in a line...now Sam is joining them in the exercise lineup. Can you imagine how cute that would be to see!!

 

I'm so thankful for digital cameras...I love our Canon cameras. The amount of photos I've taken in the last week of just the baby elephant, the ocean and flower gardens numbered in the hundreds. Can you even imagine going back to a film camera? Do you know anyone who still uses a film camera?

Back on the Net...Dreaming of the Beach

I'm back on the World Wide Internet (as Monk would say). We had an "outage" last Thursday and I've been without my internet since then (we had an internet connection at the beach house we rented last weekend, which is why I was able to update my blog). Other than Diet Coke and scrapbooking, the internet is my "must-have". It's not that I'm on it for hours at a time...I like to get on every couple of hours and check email, catch up on my favorite blogs and now that I have a blog...update it daily!

Our weekend at the beach was fabulous. You know those rare occasions when everything turns out exactly like you wanted it to (thank you Lord)...that's how it was on Friday when we left town. My husband is a UPS driver and rarely gets home before 7. He put in an eight-hour request but they don't always honor those...so I took him to work on Friday morning at 6 am (so I could just pick him up after work and we'd be on our way). By some fluke, the loader for his truck didn't show up so they asked if he wanted to start early and load his own truck...so he started almost two hours early. After work, I got the car loaded, dropped Shanna off at school (she's in the band and had to play at the football game) and picked Russell up at...5:05 pm. We were at the beach by 7:30...with a dinner stop included. I took the picture above through the front windshield while we were driving.

Time alone as a couple is so precious. Pastor George just preached about this last week. I know several couples who never take time together...never go on dates...the kids always come first. It's easy to get so wrapped up in our kids lives and all their activities that we lose ourselves in the process. There is so much pressure on kids now to not just excel in school, but to be involved in sports, extra-curricular activities, service projects, church activities, etc., but when does it become too much? When we adopted Shanna, we made the decision to be a couple first and then parents, not easy to do in this fast-food, drive through, work over-time, cell phones on all the time, stay connected, fill up your calendar world that we live in...so it was wonderful to just be a couple for a weekend.

Oceanside, Oregon is fairly remote, so we didn't have cell phone service, so no interruptions from our daughter (Natalie, a wonderful young woman from our church stayed with Shanna for the weekend). Russell and I have been married almost 26 years...I am so blessed to love and be loved by such a wonderful man...we have so much fun together...he really does complete me (he doesn't look like he's almost 50 years old does he!?).

If you've never been to the ocean, there's no way to describe how incredible it is...so calming, invigorating, beautiful, healing...I don't have enough adjectives to adequately describe the ocean - it truly is one of God's most beautiful creations (in my opinion). This weekend confirmed for both of us that we have a dream to live at the beach and to own a beach retreat home...so we're giving that dream to God. We would love to offer a comfortable, intimate setting...not just for scrapbookers and crafters...but a retreat home for couples, women's and men's groups, pastoral staff retreats, etc. I asked in an earlier blog post what you would want in a beach retreat home - and would still love to hear your thoughts on what you have loved or hated about a vacation home.

Do you have a favorite place that you escape to...somewhere that gives you the same sense of peace and renewal that the beach does for me? Happy Wednesday...it's good to be back on the net...

Quote of the Day

May you find shade and comfort in the garden of your soul.

 

 

Photo taken on Monday, September 22 at the Portland Rose Garden.

 

Defining Moments...and Being that One Person

We each have in our lives those defining moments that drastically change the course of our lives…one of mine was five years ago. After owning our scrapbook store for four years, we decided to sell for several reasons, but mostly because the long hours were taking a toll on my body, on our family (we were both working 60-80 hours a week), and financially, it was getting tougher to make a living. During the time we owned the store, we didn’t have health insurance. We both got new jobs and mine came with insurance after three months…so I went in for a complete physical…convinced that my extreme fatigue was hormonal.

 

On Friday, April 11, 2003, my doctor called at 6:32 pm and asked if I was sitting down. She said, “You have a potentially life-threatening disease that will need to be monitored and evaluated as soon as possible. You have Hepatitis C.” I had no idea what that was…my first thought, like many is that it’s from bad food…but unfortunately, this was much worse than that. Hepatitis C is a blood-borne disease, usually contracted through blood transfusions, unprotected sex or dirty needles. All my life I have walked that very narrow, safe road…I’ve never smoked, done any drugs, have had sex only with the man I’m married to…but in 1978, I had my ears pierced at a now defunct mall store and through a dirty, infected needle, I got Hepatitis C.

My diagnosis made me angry and confused…having always been so careful in my life choices, I now had a disease that I could give to another person…my husband and daughter had to be tested. If I cut myself, those around me had to wear gloves. The protocol with this diagnosis is to have another blood test done to confirm the diagnosis, wait 6 weeks and get another blood test, to ensure that it wasn’t a false positive (mine wasn’t). From there, I was scheduled for a liver biopsy to determine the extent of my liver damage…how much cirrhosis and inflammation I had. My liver biopsy determined that I was in Stage 3 of 4 and my genotype (strain of the Hepatitis) was a more difficult type to treat. Because of my age, genotype and weight, I was given a 35% chance of achieving a “sustained response” (remission) if I went through the year of treatment, which is similar to a chemo treatment that you administer yourself. Every person reacts differently to the treatment…some with mild side effects and some, like Natalie Cole, (who is currently going through the treatment) with severe side effects. So…five years ago this week, I began my year-long treatment for Hepatitis C. I was fortunate to have really good insurance through Kaiser (I know a lot of people hate Kaiser, but I love them and have the best doctors)…my treatment was $778 per week…but I only paid $15 per month...a huge blessing.

 

When you start this treatment through Kaiser, you are put into a group of six to ten people with Hep C and you attend a class and learn how to give yourself the weekly shots and daily medication, what to expect as far as side effects and you’re assigned a nurse who checks in on you once a week (more if necessary) and reports back after each blood test (done weekly). My first treatment, done on September 19, 2003, was like nothing I hope ever to go through again. Shanna was gone for the weekend to a church retreat (thank you Lord)…so she didn’t witness the horrible side effects of that first night. That first night was one of the longest of my (and Russell’s) life…fever of 105.5, chilling and shivers to the point where my muscles locked up, a headache worse than anything I’ve ever had…Russell held me through that entire long night, until his muscles were tired and aching too, as I fought to stay sane through the insane pain and agony. And so began a year long fight for my life…those severe side effects continued for several weeks until my body “adjusted” to the heavy drugs and then other side effects took their place…through it all, I managed to work 32 hours a week (because I had the insurance and needed to work).

Out of that year, I learned to accept the help of friends, to admit that I was no longer “super mom or woman”…it was all I could do to get through my work day, cry myself home and crawl up the stairs to bed…what I would have done without my husband, father and daughter, I’ll never know. God brought me to my knees that year…showed me that I needed to appreciate life…the simple things…to let go of hurts and anger…to ask for forgiveness and to admit that sometimes, just getting through the day is good enough. It was a long year, and yet, I can honestly say that it was worth it…the experience was truly life-changing…I did make it through my year of treatment and have no traces of Hepatitis C at this time (that could change, but for now, my liver is amazingly healthy).

My diagnosis was devastating and the first thing I do when something is new and unfamiliar to me is to research it…to find out as much about it as possible and hopefully, talk to someone who has been there. However, I didn’t know anyone with Hep C…until one day I was listening to my favorite radio station and the female disk jockey was talking about the American Liver Association and that she had just finished her Hepatitis C treatment…I immediately emailed her and prayed that she would have time to contact me…she did more than that…she met me several times and through my year of treatment, emailed me regularly. Susan taught me the value of just “being there” and when I asked how I could ever repay her, she told me to pass it on. Little did I know that I would be able to do just that.

 

In 2007, I took Stacy Julian’s online class “Library of Memories” and one day while looking at the online gallery of pages, I noticed a page titled “Me Versus Hep C”…so of course, I clicked on it and immediately started crying as I read Amy’s Hep C story. I emailed her and introduced myself and we’ve been friends since then. Amy finished her Hep C treatment a year ago and is still struggling with the disease...so keep her in your prayers. I hope to one day meet her in person (she lives in Wisconsin) but until then, she knows that I am always there to support her. Last week, she sent me an email and wrote: “If your ears ring all the time, it's a good thing, because when I tell my Hep C story to people I just met, your name always comes up and I tell them that you helped me through my treatment because you knew exactly what I was going through and you sent me the sweetest care packages. You are a true blessing in my life Kathryn. I look up to you because you are such a strong loving person. Just so you know, you mean a lot to me.”

So finding out about my Hepatitis C was a defining moment for me but learning to change and be thankful for this challenge is what made the difference. Each of us in our lives will have to face some kind of crisis…health, job, finances, the death of a loved one. I have discovered that from this life-changing disease, I needed to make necessary life changes in my attitude and life style and I discovered that one person can make a difference…from Susan who helped me through it…and then I met Amy and have had the privilege of sharing her journey and giving her the love and encouragement that others showed to me…the power of one is absolutely awesome if we will only take the challenge and be that one person for someone else…I love you Amy…and always, you are in my thoughts and prayers…

 

My favorite quote during my year of treatment:

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying…I will try again tomorrow.