Musings of an Unfinished Woman

Replace fear with kindness

Many of us are experiencing uncertainty these days with the economy in such a bad state. If your job hasn't been directly affected, you probably know others who have lost their jobs or have suffered cutbacks. With this comes fear, anger, sorrow and for myself, an unwillingness to spend any extra money on anything "unnecessary". So then you begin to feel stressed out, anxious, you're laughing less and looking for ways to cut back more...even if you don't "need to". It becomes a vicious circle that isn't about money at all, but the primal need to defend what's OURS and to hang on to it.

 

Shanna's school district, like many others, is making cutbacks that include teachers. I think the "not knowing" what the future holds is almost worse than the reality. Shanna struggles with many of her core classes, but is so passionate, and good, with music. It breaks my heart that the classes and teacher that she holds most dear are being cut. We don't know yet the extent of the cutbacks so it's hard to reassure her and tell her everything will be okay...life sucks and oftentimes, it's not okay, but as adults, we know we have to adjust and move on...not so easy for kids to do.  

 

Russell doesn't yet have his own route at UPS and since drivers work according to seniority, he has missed several days in the last month or two. We're weathering the bumps but as the budget person and bill payer in our family, I'm always conscious of what we're spending, trying to make extra payments to get ahead...but of course, as soon as you have a little breathing room...something happens. We recently got a fabulous deal on a 1994 2-door Thunderbird with only 68,000 miles on it...it was only $400, but we've had to put another $1000 into it for repairs and maintenance, and now, our other two cars need major tuneups. My workplace, like many other businesses, is experiencing a slowdown and at some point, if it continues, there will almost have to be cutbacks. Always, at the back of my mind is the question, "is this the day I'll lose my job?" A year ago, I wouldn't have even dreamed of thinking this and yet...like many Americans, here I am. So the money juggle continues.

 

Right now...today...we're fortunate to have a good income, but it makes me think about the families who are already living on the edge...who don't have two good incomes to draw from, and how, but for the grace of God, any one of us could be without a job, without a home...just without. We are also really blessed to have good insurance. It's easy to be fearful and stressed out in these times, but I'm trying hard to lean on the Lord and trust...what a hard thing to do. But, it's in adversity that we grow and change and hopefully, become better, wiser, kinder people.

 

My goal this week is to reach out to someone who is struggling and hurting...to practice a random act of kindness...it's amazing how much difference something little came change a person's outlook. I challenge you to join me in reaching out and being thankful for where you are today...

 

Finding tranquility in a difficult world...my blessings today

1. blue cheese and pear salad for lunch with almonds (yummy)
2. cuddling with Shanna on the bed and talking together
3. a great boss
4. eating dinner with my husband (rare in our world)
5. baby birds in the nest outside our condo

Happy Wednesday!

Memories of Mom

Memories of Mom...I thought about my Mom more than usual last week...remembering, wishing, missing and thankful. She would have been 69 on May 4, and then within the same week, is Mother's Day. This was one of the few years when I did really well heading off the grief. If you're a motherless daughter, then you know what I'm talking about. My Mom died 16 years ago very unexpectedly at the age of 52, after a hysterectomy...one that I had encouraged her to have because my own hysterectomy was such a life changing health event for me (I had female problems from the age of 11 until my hysterectomy at age 31).

We had just adopted Shanna and had celebrated the adoption being final the Sunday before, so the last photos I have of my Mom are of her and my Dad with the three grand kids. I'm thankful that my Mom died in such a quick and painless way...several of my friend's parents have died long, agonizing deaths and while I envy them the opportunity to say goodbye, I have no regrets in my relationship with my Mom...except for a few of my teenage years, she and I had an awesome relationship and were best friends.

The older I get, the more like my Mom I am...I used to hate it when someone would compare us...now I pray that I have some of my Mom's character traits and talents. More than anything, my heart hurts that Shanna didn't get to know her Grandma Florine. My Mom would have loved Shanna's uniqueness, her sense of style and humor, her absolute belief in right and wrong, her innate kindness and most of all, the way that she loves and serves the Lord. I miss my Mom's hearty (loud) laugh that came from her soul (Shanna tells me I laugh too loud...something I used to tell my Mom when I was a teen...someday, hopefully she'll appreciate my laugh). My Mom struggled with her weight nearly her entire adult life, as do I. My Mom loved the Lord so much and was such a creative, giving, loving person...that's one of the best things about being a Christian is knowing that I'll see her again someday...I imagine her in a beautiful heavenly garden and I'm thankful to have my very own "gardening" guardian angel. I love you and miss you Mom.

I think there are women who are born to be Mom's...they have that something extra and just seem to revel in all that motherhood entails. I'm not one of them...I love my girl with all my heart and soul but being a parent is hard work. I love this photo of my Mom and I...

My friend Amy (she and I have shared the journey of having Hep C and going through the year of treatment) is getting ready to have her first baby in just a few weeks. Amy, you're in my prayers and I can't wait to share this new journey with you! Amy and I met in Stacy Julian's Library of Memories class. While I was browsing online at the posted pages, I noticed a page about Hep C and I contacted her...we've been online friends for over two years...isn't the internet wonderful!

Needs and Wishes...

One of the books I read recently was "Twenty Wishes" by Debbie Macomber. I like reading "light fluff" as my mother used to say...it's an escape for me. However, this book really made me think about those deep down desires and dreams that we all have. It seems like many of us allow life to become so routine and mundane with all of our obligations and have-to's that we forget to just let go and live with abandon. Some people call that living an authentic life. Whatever it is, I want to live my life with more purpose and passion. Put aside, at least once in awhile, the have-to's and need-to's and concentrate on savoring what makes me happy.

 

My mom used to say that "if mama ain't happy, no one is happy" and I believe as women that we really do set the tone in our home. I am usually a happy, positive person but these last few months I've been in a downward spiral. Our world is in such turmoil...I rarely ever watch the news or read the newspaper...they are full of financial disasters, bailouts, murder/suicides, war, crime. There are things I NEED to do in my life to live a healthier lifestyle and then there are those WISHES that I must acknowledge and strive for in order to have some balance and joy in my life...

I read an interview with Debbie Macomber and like the message: "In retrospect, I really taught my children some of the most valuable lessons of their lives...the power of a dream - of what patience and persistence and working hard can accomplish. Debbie talks about her personal wishes and how she differentiates between goals and wishes. “Wishes are not the things you should do”—that endless to-do list—but, the things you fantasize or dream about like dancing in the rain barefoot or visiting Paris with someone you love, or learning how to decorate cakes, so you can create masterpieces with your grandchildren. Debbie Macomber said that it's important to take that extra time in the morning to get spiritually and physically grounded through prayer/meditation and exercise, before setting out to knock the world out professionally.

 

I receive emails from A Woman's Way (www.awomansway.com), a wonderful website dedicated to support, guidance and tools for women to create breathing space and clarity in a frenzied world. Below is the one I received last week...it has resonated in my heart and soul...perhaps it will speak to your heart as well.

 

Whatever takes us to our edge, to our outer limits, leads us to the heart of life's mystery, and there we find faith – Sharon Salzberg

 

Breathing space...finding peace and clarity in a frenzied world. At some point, we all find ourselves pushed to the very limit of our physical, psychological or emotional tolerance. We feel alone. We feel afraid. We feel like we've lost our way in the world. And yet, if we can sit quietly with our pain, we find that our darkest moments provide us with the greatest opportunities for personal growth. It is this glimmer of possibility that is the beginning of faith. And it is through this faith that we hear our heart whispering quiet words of encouragement...begin anew...follow your dreams...open to new possibilities...

Give yourself the gift of faith today. Faith in yourself, faith in your dreams, faith that you matter, faith in your special place in this world.  Find a quiet space to sit and quiet your mind. Close your eyes and quietly pay attention to your breath. When thoughts pop into your mind, lovingly quiet them and return your attention to your breath. With your eyes still closed, imagine a time in your life when you were joyful, when you were carefree and anything seemed possible. Take out your journal and write in detail about that special time. Ask yourself, what is stopping me from living in that joyful place today? 

Take some time this week to do something fun, just for you. Buy yourself something that makes you smile, call an old friend, rent your favorite movie, laugh for no reason, dance to your favorite music...

 

So what do you think? I’m going to start a list of 10 things I NEED to do (exercise more, etc.) and 20 WISHES (learn how to dance – think the movie Take the Lead or Shall We Dance?). Anyone want to join me?  

 

Happy Friday!

Blessings amidst the background of depression...

Three months gone…just like that…I finally admitted to myself this morning on the way to work that I have been in a funk…depressed…apathetic…call it what you want…but I’m struggling to pull myself out of it and find contentment, joy and peace in my life. How do you get it back when the hits just keep coming...and I'm not talking about the Top 40 on the radio! It feels like the world is imploding. I think it's worse somehow when your child is affected. Shanna is struggling with several things in her life and today, the budget cuts were announced for her school district. The classes she is passionate about and has real talent in are being cut…she loves music…she plays alto saxophone and the band teacher will have "reduced" hours next year. Band has been a part of her life since sixth grade. It breaks my heart to see these cuts.

Shanna was recently in a hit and run accident (not her fault) and thank God, no one was hurt, but my car was totaled, so we had to buy another car…dealing with insurance, police reports, car rental, and then shopping for a new to us, but not too expensive car….after several grueling evenings and one very long Saturday, we found a used car with 68,000 miles on it. Our new used car needs some work…to the tune of nearly $1000!

Russell hasn't been working every day...in order to collect unemployment, you have to put in a “waiting week” and so far, he’s worked at least one day each week, so no unemployment. I have to remind myself that we have jobs, are healthy, we have our home and we have a great marriage…there are so many people who are unemployed, homeless and living on the edge. It’s scary to realize how close each of us is to losing it all…the loss of a job, the inability to pay your bills, a devastating illness with no insurance. My supervisor’s best friend died on Monday from a prolonged battle with breast cancer, leaving a 10 and 15 year old behind. Her own daughter is going through a particularly horrible round of chemo for cancer…

I have spent the last three months in a fog…I haven’t blogged, scrapbooked, walked or lost weight. Other than working, I haven’t done anything except read and watch TV. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read…I’ve always loved reading, but somehow these last few months I’ve just disappeared into my books…I don’t read self-help or “serious” novels…I like romantic suspense, contemporary romance, mysteries…and so I’ve escaped (thank you for great used book stores!) into other people’s worlds and lives…where there is romance, mystery, good and evil and nearly always, a happy ending.

 

One of my blessings is my life group…we’re small, but we have really clicked together…and shared so much. We are currently going through a Women of Faith study called Cultivating Contentment (ironic isn’t it!). I challenged each of the ladies to begin a gratitude journal and everyone has taken the challenge…except me. I think I set myself up last fall with all my lofty goals and plan to transform my life…so I need to start again and be more realistic. But first, I am going to start my gratitude journal here on my blog…

Do you ever feel this way, and if so, how have you pulled yourself together? I’ll have to admit some sunshine and beautiful spring weather would definitely make a difference…this has been the rainiest, coldest winter/spring on record…everything is a month late blooming.

 

If you’ve struggled with depression, or find yourself in a rut and need to start again, I would love to hear from you…to share and encourage each other. I’ve missed blogging. So here today…are five things I’m grateful for:

1. The family of raccoons in the tree behind us…they are nesting so I’m sure we’ll be seeing babies soon.

2. The rhododendrons and azaleas are blooming and are so beautiful.

3. I just finished coordinating a big seminar…a good accomplishment

4. Russell is working today!

5. My IPod…I’m loving all the fabulous music. I need to put together a playlist of happy music.