Musings of an Unfinished Woman

Making it Click

There are several blogs I faithfully follow…Ali Edwards, Stacy Julian, Karen Russell and Cathy Zielske (to name a few). Cathy has been doing a series of blog posts since the beginning of the year on her quest for fitness and weight loss. Her blog post yesterday really struck a chord with me…it was titled “Fitness and Sustainability: what makes it click?”

She wrote about finding joy in the process: “This just has me thinking about what is it that makes fitness, or the act of moving your body one of sustainability? Why can we keep it up for a time only to lose the inspiration or the dedication? Why do I look at my hot pink running shoes and smile every time I walk past them in the hallway? Why is this so different this time? Don't get me wrong: I do not have the magic bullet to health and fitness here. I'm fully aware that I could leap off this wagon at any time without warning. But something IS different. Something is changing. It ain't just about getting thinner anymore.”

This whole getting fit and healthy is a constant struggle for me. When Russell I and got married, I weighed 120 pounds (that's me 28 years ago). While I know I'll never be that weight again, I do want to feel good about myself. I was doing really well with the exercising…was doing water aerobics 3-4 times a week with a walk or two thrown in. Then two things happened…the water aerobics schedule changed for the summer and I attended a class in the evening where the instructor did some exercises that really threw my back and shoulders out. So I’ve been seeing my wonderful chiropractor a couple times a week again and icing my back on a regular basis. I have osteoarthritis in my knees and back so usually am stiff and sore when I wake up and when I overdo and stress them out to much. So of course, when in pain, do nothing, which leads to depression, which leads to Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, homemade chex mix, M&Ms…so here I am once again starting over. After reading Cathy’s post yesterday, I put on my walking shoes, stretched and headed out for a walk. I’ve finally had to accept that I’m going to hurt regardless of whether I exercise or not, so may as well be active and hopefully get in shape and lose some weight, which would alleviate some of the stress on my knees and back (yes, it’s a vicious circle!). Starting out is always the hard part, but I took an hour walk yesterday and today, and even dared to jog for a few short sprints.

Since returning from my Joan Anderson retreat in April, I’ve made a list of things I want to do, and things I want to change about myself. I have already started on the list of things I want to do, but here’s the thing…I am a great starter but not always a great finisher. I jump head-first into a project and then…lose momentum and interest. If other people are involved, I am more likely to stay committed and engaged to see the project finished. However, if left to my own devices, I will often put it aside. So I have a graveyard of unfinished projects and feel ashamed that I’ve spent money on classes, equipment, etc. but didn’t follow through. Whether it’s regular exercise and healthier eating, or completing an online Photoshop Elements class, I need to find the key to making it click so that I can continue on. It’s like I’m sabotaging my own efforts to better myself and be a healthier, happier Kathryn. Am I the only one? How do I “make it click” and sustain the efforts?

I feel like I keep turning onto a one-way, dead-end street. I need to find a new road. They say that 21 days will make a habit a daily part of life, but in my case, it’s more like months in order to make it stick. So next week, it’s back to water aerobics twice a week and taking a long walk on the other days…go ahead and email me…help me keep on track. If you too are struggling to stick with something, let me know…maybe we can buddy up and fight our way through together.

Photography and Midnight Musings

Shanna and her road trip friends made it from Portland, Oregon to Florence, California (a distance of 985 miles) in a record-breaking 12 hours. They left here on Tuesday night at 11:40, had dinner in Hollywood on Wednesday night, spent Thursday at Disneyland, part of Friday at the coast and got home about 1:00 pm on Saturday afternoon. A trip to California and back in 85 hours…holy smokes. Now that’s a road trip!

It’s no secret that I love photography. We have a Canon “point and shoot” and my Canon Xsi that I got when I enrolled in the Integrated Media program last fall at the community college. I have to admit that Russell was a fan of SLR cameras long before I was…when we first got married, he owned a Minolta SLR (those were the days of film). I was never interested in learning how to use it and was quite happy with an “automatic camera” but now that I know the capabilities of an SRL, I can’t bring myself to use the point and shoot anymore. I’m in week four of Karen Russell’s photography course and Russell has gone with me on all my assignment photo shoots…and we’ve taken turns using the DSLR camera. Russell and I have always enjoyed being together and spend a lot of time in our craft room (he model railroads and I scrapbook).

 

Photography is the one hobby (other than Disney) that we both love. I’ve been selling stuff on Craigslist and we decided to use that money and Russell’s birthday money to invest in another camera so we could both learn and have fun together. I’ve been watching Craigslist and Ebay for a good bargain on a camera. We wanted to buy from a proven seller and didn’t want to pay full-price. After a couple weeks of research and several tries, I finally had the winning bid on an Ebay auction and we are now the proud owners of a Canon T1i at about half the regular price! Our assignment that we turned in yesterday was about depth of field and creative apertures, something I’ve never really experimented with. I spent several hours on Friday trying different things on my camera…all I can say is “thank God for digital”! Since our daughter is all grown up and not that camera-friendly anymore; we don’t have willing or available subjects to photograph so we have to get creative. We’re making a list of photography dates for the next several weeks, and the best part…other than developing (and I only print a fraction of the photos I take), is that there’s no “additional” cost for this hobby of ours.  

 

My brother, Curtis and his wife Jennifer hosted a family barbecue at their house. I’m not sure why we don’t get together more often but we had a good time. I consider Curtis and Jennifer to be “master gardeners” (the flower arrangement is all from their garden!). They have an incredibly beautiful yard and waterfall/pond. Shanna brought her friend Jason over and he was treated to the full force of our little family. We are a loud, everyone talk at once kind of family…lots of jokes, movie lines and remember when stories.

 

Traditionally, Sunday is my worst sleeping night, and last night was no exception. Went to bed at 10 pm, felt really tired…dozed, tossed and turned until I finally gave up. I was up until about 3:30 am. I’ve learned there’s no use lying in bed trying to fall asleep…it doesn’t work and I don’t want to be the cause of Russell not sleeping. There’s something about being up in the middle of the night like that. I would have sat on our deck but the mosquitoes are really bad this year – very unusual for Oregon. So I settled for opening the sliding door and listened to the night sounds. We live in a quiet neighborhood and with a wooded section behind us, are blessed to have the sounds of nature right outside our deck door…an owl, the occasional howl or bark of coyotes, frogs and in the distance, trains and planes.

 

As I sat in our living room listening to the night noises, I was so thankful to be living my life and am really trying to focus on the positive…to be thankful for who I am and what I have in my life…to live more in the moment. I’m thankful my daughter is home safe from her road trip. I’m thankful that I have a husband who wants to spend time with me and that we share such a wonderful life together. I’m thankful for family, and who loves me for who I am. One of my dear friends is going in for a biopsy tomorrow and I’m reminded once again of how precious life is and how much we take for granted. You’re in my thoughts and prayers Sue.

 

The fabulous view from our deck...

The Differences Between Us

She's my daughter, but looking us, you would never know it. Besides the obvious differences between us…I’m white, she’s black…she’s ultra thin and I’m not…she is a social butterfly, always on the go with scads of friends and I’m a homebody with a few good friends. I love photography and she never takes photos. I’m organized, almost obsessively clean and neat, and she’s not at all. I cry at Hallmark commercials and patriotic songs and she laughs at me when I cry for sentimental reasons. The two of us together is like dynamite and a match...light it up and anything can happen. Thank God that Russell is so calm and easy-going...he's a good balance for (or between) Shanna and I, although she thinks we're hopelessly old-fashioned and boring (her expressions are priceless)!

There is no one on the face of this earth who can push my buttons faster than she can. She has made me feel the gamut of emotions and has caused me more sleepless nights and anxiety-filled moments than anyone else. I have spent hours in prayer, cried till my chest hurt, cheered till my voice was gone and had so many moments of joy and laughter that my mouth hurt from smiling. She has wounded me more than any other person, has made me more proud than anyone ever has and has angered me to the point where I felt out of control. One of the quotes that I read years ago and didn’t really understand until I was a parent was “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body.”

Shanna and her friends have been talking for months about taking a road trip to California. No real plans or dates…depending on the moment and who was mad at who, the plan has included anywhere from four to eight friends. Shanna called me yesterday afternoon at 3 pm and said they had worked it out and were planning to leave that night at around 8 pm. It would be Shanna and three friends. The person driving has a nice (reliable) car and they thought they would be gone until Friday or Saturday. One of them has a relative who works at Disneyland and could get them two day passes. So of course, the organized me immediately starts making mental lists and the Mom me starts asking all the questions…who is going, does everyone have enough money, where are you staying, blah, blah, blah. Shanna didn’t even get home last night until almost 9 pm (so obviously they missed the 8 pm departure time). So there I am with my list…do you have Tylenol, sunscreen, band aids, extra shoes, directions, cell phone charger, etc. Yeah Mom, I’ve got it covered. At 11:40 last night, the four of them left. Of course, I went outside, did my “Mom talk”…don’t use your cell phone and drive at the same time, pull over if you get tired, keep the car locked, don’t talk to strangers, please take some pictures for me”…and off they went, all talking at once, music blasting, so excited they were giddy. I would never in a million years have dreamed of taking off on a road trip when I was 18 and even now, at age 50, am a planner and can’t fathom just jumping in the car and leaving without a plan, reservations and map-quested directions.

Parenting is a balancing act…it’s such a hard thing to let her make her own decisions and mistakes. We are in a new phase of parenting and are trying to figure out reasonable rules, curfews and home responsibilities; to know when to step in and help her make decisions and when to let go. No one will ever describe Shanna as being organized, efficient and practical and no one will ever say that I'm spontaneous, free-spirited or adventurous. I want to take a page from Shanna’s life and be more like her and yes, I wish she was a little more like me…but she’s not. And really, I can’t imagine my Shanna girl being any different than she is.

So today I’m praying for her safety and hoping she has the time of her life. One thing we do have in common is that we are Disney fanatics and deep inside, I’m wishing I could throw caution to the wind and take off for a fun trip with just a moments notice. Maybe I’ll make a list about that. Have a good time Shanna girl and remember to take some hat pictures...a family tradition on all our vacations!

Photography...looking at life with a new view

Thanks to my fast fingers, I was one of the lucky ones who was able to register for Karen Russell’s “Photographer’s Workshop” Karen Russell blog which started on June 21 (registration was way back in January). I’ve been a fan of her blog and photography for a long time. She shares her life in an authentic, humorous way and her photography beautifully captures her family and home life. Her class is an online in-depth nine week class which focuses on lessons and assignments designed to teach us how to see those “everyday moments” and document them in photographs.

Russell and I are going through the lessons together and are learning a lot about using our camera and how to get the best photos. Karen’s philosophy is about capturing emotionally perfect photos and hopefully, in the process, making them look great too. I highly recommend this class if you have the opportunity. She is more than generous with her knowledge and there’s lots of sharing with other students and Karen critiques your weekly assignments. This last week was all about aperture, F-stop, depth of field, etc. The first photo was from our week one assignment and it's of our sweet bunny Dopey.

 

This week our assignment was to take photos which showed freezing motion versus implying motion, and then experiment with shutter speeds. Since we don’t have a small child around us anymore (and teenagers are more prickly about having their photos taken), we have to be more creative with how we get some of our shots.

 

Russell and I went to downtown Vancouver with the intention of going to the Farmer’s Market, which is by Esther Short Park. I love flowers – vases, flowerbeds, photos – so I was delighted to see lots of beautiful flower beds along with a lovely waterfall/creek that runs through the park. On our walk to the Farmer’s Market, we ran into this wonderful “water art sculpture” created completely out of recycled signs and other objects used by the city. Karen’s class is challenging me to look at life and document it in new ways. Sometimes, we all need a new perspective…to look at things in a different way. I tend to be a look straight at it (literally and figuratively) kind of person, so am trying to “slant my view”.

 

Here's a few of our photos from our "photo shoot" (that sounds fancy and professional doesn't it!).

 
 

 

Shanna found my phone last night...it's a small thing but I'm happy to have it back. The old one I was using was so old it wasn't blue-tooth capable. I found out yesterday that I didn't get the job that I interviewed for last Monday...I'll get a job in God's time and in the meantime, I am determined to use the time to get some projects done, learn how to be a better photographer and even get some scrapping done.

Friendship

Life has a way of beating you down and this hasn’t been my best week. I had an interview on Monday for a job I would love to have. It was a panel interview and it wasn’t my best interview. I’ve applied for 32 jobs in the last 25 days. Our freezer was left open and we lost everything in it. Our condo is being re-roofed, which is a good thing, but the noise level is insane and we’re on day four. I have had more than normal problems with insomnia this week. Somehow I’ve misplaced my cell phone and am using an old clunky phone which I hate. My Uncle Jay died on Tuesday. Money is really tight and all of this has been enough to make me weepy and depressed, short-tempered and wanting to run away (but running away costs money!). But this morning, I’m feeling better thanks to the gift of friendship.

 

Almost two years ago, I made the decision to lead a women’s life group through our church and it’s been such a gift. In addition to being spiritually fed, which is one of the goals of a life group, has been the blessing of getting to know a wonderful group of ladies. Our little life group has shared so much – death of loved ones, marital problems, parenting challenges, health issues. We haven’t met for a couple of months due to schedules and life stuff. One of the things of primary importance to me as a life group leader was to create an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. A place where we can be ourselves, and where we can each share the reality of our lives…the good and bad, the ugly and hurtful things, as well as the happy, wonderful blessings. It’s important that we maintain confidentiality – what is shared in life group stays in life group. We’ve come a long way in our group and I’m looking forward to resuming our get togethers.

 

One of the unexpected blessings of the life group has been the friendship and caring that I’ve received from my ladies. It’s a wonderful thing when you can lower your guard and let someone in. As in any relationship, friendship is dependent on honesty, integrity and acceptance. There’s a beauty in knowing that a real friend loves you regardless of your flaws and imperfections, and who knows when you need an escape. I’ve known Cindy for quite awhile through mutual friends and our shared passion for scrapbooking. But when she joined my life group, we connected on a deeper, more spiritual level, and have become friends. She invited me to dinner last night and we spent a couple of hours eating, chatting and laughing. It was just what I needed…thank you Cindy for knowing I needed a friend and taking the time to treat me to dinner.

 

Real friendship takes time and commitment…it’s taking time even when you don’t want to, it’s listening and being there. I want to be that kind of friend and am so thankful for the wonderful women in my life who love and accept me in spite of my imperfections. Thank you ladies for your friendship…I am blessed.

 

Our zinnias are finally blooming...they're not quite this gorgeous though. I love flower gardens don't you?

 

The Reality of Life

Life events can be totally crushing to the spirit. I have been unemployed for 10 months and for the last five months, have actively been job-hunting, which is a time-consuming process. Even with 30 years of work experience and good office/computer skills, I am having trouble landing a job.

 

Shanna graduated a couple of weeks ago (look at the joy on her face!) and applied for a job that would have been perfect for her and given her lots of opportunities for advancement. I think as a person ages, we expect or at least brace ourselves for the possibility that our dream or wish won’t come true. Shanna made it through the first several stages of the application process for this job and then took a test yesterday, which she failed. If there are job openings for this particular job in 6 months, she can try again…but for now, she’s absolutely crushed. She pinned all her hopes and plans on that one job and now feels like the bottom has dropped out. She mapped out all her hopes, dreams and plans on this one job. I tend to be a positive, optimistic person but am also realistic and know that finding a job in this market is tough, even for someone like me with good skills. I spend hours ever week looking through job descriptions, sending my resume and cover letter, keeping a log of all my applications.

 

It’s hard for me to remember being 18 and trying to find myself in the world. Like many others, I tried college right after high school and failed miserably. We had just moved from Loveland, Colorado, where I was born and raised, to Portland, Oregon and the culture shock was huge…from a small town to a big city. I wasn’t prepared to enter such a big world. It took me several years to settle down, work a couple of jobs, and then finally go back to school. For many of us, we don’t necessarily follow our dreams as much as fall into a job which becomes our life. While I’ve had some great jobs, they weren’t what I dreamed I would be doing. Sometimes, it’s who you know or being in the right place at the right time. Today’s high school graduates have some tough choices…Shanna isn’t ready for college yet and is looking for that “perfect job”…so am I but I’m realistic enough to know that perfect jobs are hard to find. Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…it’s hard work and sometimes, settling for a steady job which pays the bill has to be enough, at least for now. How do I let her know not to give up on her dreams but also, that reality often wins over dreams?

Grateful...

I woke up this morning cranky and out of sorts after a bad night of not much sleep and tried very hard not to let my crabbiness overflow onto Russell. Have had major back issues the last couple of weeks so as I lay on my ice packs and stretched, I prayed...for forgiveness and for freedom. Each of us struggle with problems, challenges and issues in our lives...with family members, health, money, relationships, our own personal issues.

So many things to tie up our lives and add to our stress. And yet, as I read the paper this morning, which included an article about a young man who served his country and ultimately died for us, and the step mom who tried to hire a contract killer for her husband, I reflected that we are so blessed. I thought about a woman who recently died after battling cancer for so many years and fought for her life...she's no longer here to continue her battle, but she also won't have the opportunity to see her children grow up or to experience a beautiful sunset or hold hands with her sweetheart. We have to take the good with the bad, but sometimes, all we can see is the bad. Our lives are messy and sometimes painful (literally and emotionally) but...we're alive and we have a God who loves us. It's easy to forget that sometimes when we wake up and we're crabby and or we're in the middle of an argument with our spouse or child. I found a quote this morning that I wanted to share with you:

    "The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time."  Thomas Jefferson

So today, I I am thankful for friendship, freedom, prayers, and my wonderful husband who always loves me, even when I wake up crabby. Have an awesome day...in the middle of the messiness, find something to be thankful for.