Musings of an Unfinished Woman

New Year and New Blessings

It’s been nine weeks since I last posted and in nine more weeks it will be April...where does the time go? I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Am I living my life to the fullest? What have I accomplished in that time? Have I made any changes in my life or made a difference in someone else’s life?

2010 was an incredibly difficult year for me personally. I was unemployed for the entire year. Between Shanna and me, we had 72 medical appointments (chiropractor and doctor) as we both struggled with health issues. I wanted so much to be a different me and make some changes, but didn’t have the courage and strength (physical and mental) to make them. I struggled with some relationship issues and finding boundaries for friendships that were too one-sided and unhealthy. For the first time in years, I only scrapbooked 24 pages, which is so not like me. Getting Shanna graduated and employed was a challenge but she’s on a good path now and I’m finally feeling like I’m coming back into the light. If I’m honest, I would say I was depressed for most of the year. The one relationship that really thrived was with my husband as we discovered the joy of photography through Karen Russell’s class and started dating again. We celebrated 28 years together in November and if not for Russell, I’m not sure I would have made it through the year. So what did I learn and what am I doing different?

I need to be creative. I’ve been scrapping for almost 19 years and I totally lost all my creativity, last year. I stopped scrapping and writing. Russell and I share a craft room (he model railroads and I scrapbook, make cards, etc.) and we both realized how much we need to get back into our hobbies. I am taking Ali Edwards “Yesterday and Today” class through BPC and I my creative juices are flowing again. Russell and I spent this past weekend in the craft room and I did my first digital page and have tons of page ideas to start working on.

I stopped moving and kept eating and now am starting over with my “Move More, Eat Less” (in the words of Cathy Zielske). Unfortunately, I let the fibromyalgia take over my life so it’s a battle to find what will work (as far as physical exercise that won’t create flare-ups and more pain). For now, I’m walking several days a week again and am following the PT exercises I’m supposed to do. I didn’t want to rely on prescription medication but have to admit that it’s helping to control the symptoms and pain while I work to find ways to deal with this disease in a more organic and healthy way. I’m so very thankful for a wonderful doctor and fabulous healthcare.

We have gotten to know the Marshes, a military family we met. Mentoring and getting to know a young couple is always a blessing and we have had the added bonus of standing in as “surrogate” grandparents to their three daughters - twins, age 8 and the youngest, age 4. Having these three girls in our lives has been so fun (and exhausting!). What a privilege to be a part of this family’s life and to have little ones in our home again. The girls love all things pink and glittery - so different from our baby girl who is now 18 and is the “big sister” to these little girls. Cuddles and hugs, giggles and crayons, toys and Disney movies are once again a part of our life.

I need women in my life...to laugh with, to talk and share with and to keep me accountable. Three women in particular have made a huge difference in my life: Sue, who has come over several times for lunch and scrapping therapy. Granted, I haven’t gotten much scrapping done, but the therapy has been invaluable as I’ve been able to be completely authentic with her as we’ve both shared and commiserated. Cindy has made dinner dates a wonderful thing and she too has a listening heart and a generous giving spirit and I can feel her support and prayers. Surprisingly, the third woman is someone I’ve “known” for years but only from a distance. When I went back to Colorado for my aunt’s funeral in December, I stayed with Brigette, my cousin’s daughter. She lives in a tiny adorable little house and she welcomed me into her home. For four days and nights, she was my chauffer as we went to the memorial (it was my Mom’s sister and Brigette’s Grandma). I reconnected with relatives I hadn’t seen in years. Something wonderful happened during those four days...despite our differences, Brigette and I connected in a way that was magical. We talked for hours about life, love, hopes, dreams, disappointments and I came home renewed in spirit and ready to make some life changes.

I discovered the library again. When I was little, I went to the library three times a week from first grade until I graduated. The library was a magical world of books. Somehow, through the years, I forgot about the library and found Borders and Amazon. I’m a voracious reader and read at least two to three books a week...even going to used bookstores that can get expensive so a friend suggested I try the library. Wow...it’s changed. You can now reserve books online and then pick them up when they are ready. What a fabulous discovery this has been. I’m having a blast reading books on a variety of subjects and...they’re FREE!!

Being in love and loved is such an incredible (rare) blessing. I really believe I have the best husband in the entire world. Through all of last year, Russell was my knight in shining armor and we fell in love again (corny as that sounds). He loves me just the way I am, which makes me want to be a better me for him.

I had an interview today...out of 108 candidates, I am in the top five. Every week, I faithfully apply for jobs while I receive unemployment (thank you Lord). I know that God has just the right job out there for me and in the right time and place, it will happen. In the meantime, I am thankful for a new year and the opportunity to try again. My word for the year is THRIVE. I want to thrive in body, mind and spirit. The word Thrive means: to be well, grow strongly, flourish, and be successful. So here’s to 2011 and being more mindful of the everyday miracle of life...to find joy in the little things. I also hope to post more...

 

Happy Thanksgiving

It’s been a long couple of weeks. A trip to the ER in the middle of the night with Shanna and then a morning in court to settle a traffic violation (a broken tail light)...all within 24 hours. A round of antibiotics, lots of sleep and she's feeling much better. Shanna is in her fourth week of work at UPS. She was sooooo thrilled with her first check. Oh the joy was absolutely priceless...this is her dancing with her check - isn't she cute with her plaid flannel and short haircut. Her second week, reality hit as they started taking out the union (Teamster) initiation dues and fees...and she discovered FICA. She comes running in wanting to know “Who’s FICA and why are they taking my money?” I laughed so hard, I was in tears...welcome to the real world little girl. She works the early shift so gets up at 4 am, but she’s still hasn’t figured out her sleeping schedule...she’s a night owl and usually ends up sleeping during the day and staying up all night.

Four nights later, Shanna ran screaming into our room that Grandma (Russell’s Mom) was trying to call us...my phone was on the charger and Russell’s phone was on silent for some reason. Thankfully, I have a teen whose phone is nearly always on. My father-in-law’s shop was on fire. He and my MIL opened Parkrose Shoe Hospital in 1974 and he’s been in that same location for 36 years. He’s 77 years old and we have wanted him to retire and close or sell the shop but after working 65 years (he quit school when he was 12 because his dad died and he had to help support his Mom and siblings), he doesn’t know how NOT to work. As is his usual custom, he often worked in the middle of the night (no customers or interruptions so he could get his work done). One of his machines sparked and started a fire. After trying to put it out himself, he called for help. Thank God for the Portland Fire and Rescue...they were there within minutes. Dad was not injured and while there was very little “fire damage”, there was considerable smoke damage and the foam they use to put out the fire made a huge mess. There have been so many blessings from this tragedy. The landlord is letting him out of his lease and is assisting us with getting anything out that’s salvageable. Ultimately it is the best thing to have happened...this has forced him to retire. I think the biggest challenge is that Mom and Dad will have to learn to live together, in the same place, 24 hours a day of togetherness should be interesting.

I am so thankful that my unemployment has been extended again. According to Forbes.com, Portland ranks #7 on “America’s Worst Cities for Finding a Job”. Having been unemployed for over 15 months, I can attest to the fact that I have applied for so many jobs that I am more than qualified for and rarely even get a phone interview. The right job will come along in the right time...in the meantime, I am getting some projects done and learning some new computer programs.

As nervous as I was, you would have thought that I had never cooked a dinner before. I'm so thankful for a VERY patient husband who helped me in the kitchen, despite the fact that I was a rather demanding, crabby kitchen companion (when I apologized later, he said after 28 years, he knows exactly what to expect and loves me anyway...definitely a keeper!!!). Everything turned out great and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My in-laws came and we were thrilled to welcome Shanna’s marine recruiter and his family to dinner. They brought a 24 pound turkey and her “casserole”, which was a rice and broccoli dish (none of us are broccoli fans), but it was really delicious. I discovered these fabulous 2.5 quart dual crock pots and I am in love with them...combined with Reynolds Crockpot Liners (these are right up there with post-it notes as being totally awesome). I cooked dressing, sweet potatoes, corn and gravy in the four crock pots. The ham cooked in the oven, along with the cornbread. The best thing about these crock pots are you can take them straight to the table and sit them on a potholder (no need to mess up serving bowls) and then when it’s cleanup time, you just take the crock pot liner and throw it away, wipe out the crock pot and TaDa...all done!

Russell is working today and since it’s a UPS holiday, he’s getting paid double time and a half...wow. That will help pay for Christmas. For the first time in years, I didn’t get up in the middle of the night and do the early morning shopping thing. I’m doing lots of research and reading about Fibromyalgia and one of the things I’m learning is that I have to listen to my body. These last few weeks have taken a toll and I knew that I didn’t have the physical strength, energy and sharp mind needed to navigate the insanity of Black Friday. Love that many stores are offering online shopping with the same deals and I don’t have to leave my house!

Fibromyalgia is a chronic disease dominated by three symptoms: pain, fatigue and brain fog (fibro-fog) and while it’s not life threatening, it is definitely “lifestyle threatening” (from the book FibroWHYalgia, by Susan Ingebretson). Lots of stress and physical activity causes “flare-ups” which are incredibly painful and while I may look “normal”, my joints and muscles hurt so much that any touch or movement can reduce me to a sobbing, out-of-control mess. Several weeks ago, I attended a Fibro and Chronic Pain Support Group. It was such a relief to talk to others who understand. One of the things that I have confirmed it’s critical to find out how to best recognize and manage my flare-ups. Target has fabulous “Microplush Blankets” and we bought two for the living room...they are big enough to cover me up from the tips of my toes to my nose...and they are sooooo soft. When I’m having a flare-up, the seams on my clothes can be nearly unbearable (I wear my socks and shirts inside out sometimes!), so these blankets are fabulous. The soft light of burning candles, with the delicious smell of apple cinnamon, along with small bouquets of flowers (only $8.99 a bunch at Costco) are both external things that bring me comfort. Soft instrumental music is also soothing (loving my Christmas music right now!). If you or someone you know has fibromyalgia, I would love to hear from you. What have you done to manage? How have you altered your lifestyle and what changes have been most helpful?

Hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving...enjoy this weekend.  

 

Giving thanks and keeping warm

Russell and I got married 28 years ago on November 20...we were 23 years old and both working at McDonalds (which is where we met). We chose that date because it would give us four days off of work. One of the decisions we made when we got married was to always celebrate our anniversary...more than just a card and dinner...but really celebrate us...our marriage and love.Our first anniversary, we sold Russell’s beat-up old Malibu (it was a blight on the neighborhood, painted 5 different colors and held together with duct tape and bailing wire). He got $100 for it at the junkyard...enough to pay for a nice dinner and a room at the Marriott. We’ve spent several of our anniversaries at Disneyland or World, a couple at the beach, Las Vegas and even a couple at home. Shanna has spent more Thanksgivings with relatives than with us. However, since Russell became a UPS driver four years ago, he no longer gets the week of Thanksgiving off so we’ve had to adjust. We took our anniversary trip to Disney World in October but will still go out to dinner on Saturday our wedding day. What a difference 28 years make...we look somewhat the same, but aged (not necessarily like fine wine). We have an exceptional marriage, something neither of us ever takes for granted...there’s no doubt that we are still crazy in love with each other and still would rather spend time with each other than anyone else.My heart still leaps when he calls me, and when he looks at me with that special look, my insides melt. We often say the same thing at the same time, manage to dress in the same colors without planning it, understand each others strong points and weaknesses and have worked hard to compensate for each other. We laugh together at the silliest things, hold hands and cuddle together and make time for dates.  

 

Anyway, this year we will be home for Thanksgiving and for the first time in many years, we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Russell’s Mom and Dad will be joining us and we are thrilled to welcome a Marine family that we have gotten to know. One of the recruiting Staff Sergeants’, his wife and three beautiful daughters (who absolutely adore Shanna) will be joining us. They are originally from Texas so she will be bringing a few “southern dishes” that seem to be a tradition for black families in the south. Each of our brothers are spending Thanksgiving with their own extended family and friends and while I mourn the loss of traditions that extend back several generations, I recognize that family isn’t just about blood and marriage ties, but also about the people that we share our hearts and our time with. So this year, we will be joined by a military family who is far from their own families...we’ll eat together, laugh, share stories, watch movies, play games and create precious memories that will hopefully be remembered fondly in years to come.

 I like to entertain...have people over for dinner. Perhaps it’s because I’m good at the logistics of organizing and planning, getting everything ready and creating a welcoming atmosphere. I learned that gift from my Mom who often invited friends to join us for a meal. I tend to plan my entertaining in advance and am not as spontaneous as my Mom, but I realize how much I enjoy gathering friends and family together...to eat, catch up on life, to laugh and just let go of the outside world for an hour or two. We don’t have a fancy home...our kitchen is the original from 1974 as is the bathroom...our carpet needs to be replaced, but somehow we’ve created a warm, welcoming haven so I’m excited to welcome new friends and family for this holiday where we give thanks for our blessings.

We’re not really turkey people and I will admit it here...I’ve never cooked a turkey (is that un-American?!). We will be serving ham, potatoes, corn, pies, yams, etc. and our guests have offered to bring the turkey along with a few of their favorite holiday dishes.

This weekend we are “weatherizing” our home. Our garage door was hit from the inside (yes, it was me and was the ONLY time I haven’t opened the garage door before getting in the car). As a result of that little accident, the garage door is warped and let’s in too much air, dirt, and warm or cold weather depending on the season. We have aluminum windows, so we will be covering them to protect us from the frigid east gorge wind. We’ll be cleaning out the flowerbeds, bringing the deck furniture in for the winter. We’ve already got a forecast for snow, so I’m thinking it could be a long cold winter, so I want to make sure our home is ready for inclement weather. So wherever you are...stay warm and dry. Happy Friday.

Is Something Good not Happening?

One of the blogs I read is that of Alan Clother, Executive Pastor at our church. He wrote a post several weeks ago that has stayed with me. He wrote: “Saturday night at church I was a little tired, and maybe, just maybe, life was not going exactly my way. I have a lot of trouble hiding how I'm feeling at times.” Someone asked him “Is something good not happening?" His response and mine is what a wonderful positive spin on "what's wrong?" I have written that question down on a post-it note next to my computer and also in my planner that I carry everywhere. Too often we allow the little upsets and annoyances of life to take over our thought process, which in turn makes us crabby, sad and emotionally spent. It can become a viscous cycle.

I interviewed for a job yesterday and the owners of the company are a Christian couple. In our conversation, she shared with me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer last December and is fighting for her life now. Having experienced numerous health issues in the last decade, I was touched that she would share that with me. It was a reminder of how precious life is. While driving home, I kept thinking about the phrase “is something good not happening”. In that same blog post, Alan wrote “How much of our time do we spend waiting for something good, versus celebrating what is good?” That’s a powerful question and one we each need to ask ourselves. We have so much to celebrate in our lives...each day that we wake up is a blessing. I am loved by God and am blessed to have a wonderful husband with whom I am madly in love, a healthy happy daughter who is on her way to a great future, family who loves me just the way I am. I have so much and while I do struggle with health issues, I am ALIVE, which means that something good IS happening! Another reminder to myself on a post-it note is: "Going strong: working my way to fabulous". It's a reminder to me to stay positive every day, even when my body is aching and so tired and my spirits are dropping.

We live in a beautifully landscaped condo complex and one of the perks is that we don’t have to do any yard work. Every Wednesday, rain or shine, a crew from Willamette Landscaping descends on the complex and six hours later, everything is mowed, edged, raked and weeded. I told a couple of them this morning how much I appreciate their hard work and how much we enjoy our beautiful landscaping. They looked a bit baffled that someone would tell them thank you, which made me wonder how often we take the time to tell someone they are doing a good job, or that they are making a difference in your life?

Speaking of good things...Shanna brought me flowers (see photo below) and a card for my birthday and yesterday we spent a couple hours at IKEA browsing and having dinner. It was a fun, harmonious time together. It was fun to see her choices for furniture, house wares, wall art, etc. There's something about a vase of flowers that just makes my heart happy...it's one of the wonderful gifts that God has created.

Celebrate what is good in your life. Psalms 136: “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever”.

The Miracle of Love

Russell and I went to a dahlia farm on Saturday with my brother, Curtis, and his wife Jennifer. We had an unseasonably cool/wet spring and summer was late coming to Oregon so the dahlia’s (actually anything that’s growing here) is several weeks behind. The dahlias aren’t quite in full-bloom, but we managed to get some great photos. We were only in the full sun for about an hour but it was enough to give me a sun burn. I’ve posted some of our photos on my new photo blog, but here’s a couple to share.

 
I was up all night Sunday night with stomach issues and finally got to sleep at 4:45 in my red recliner in the living room, only to be woken up by Russell at 5:30 asking if I was alright. He’s such a sweetheart. This post (Me & Josh Downs) written by Karen Russell struck a chord with me. There’s a scene from an Everybody Loves Raymond episode titled “Misery Loves Company” that I really love. Robert and Amy are celebrating three months of marriage with a dinner party, and they’re so happy that they feel compelled to give marriage advice. I love Marie’s response to their advice. "We've been married 46 years. We've seen the lows and we've seen the highs. In a real marriage there’s going to be yelling and anger. Don’t fight it…accept it. Keep your head down and you plow through. Marriage is real…we’re okay with each other and you want to know why…we’ve been through it all and we’ve endured.”

Russell and I will celebrate our 28^th anniversary on November 20 (look at us...so young and clueless!). Marriage really is about enduring…it’s about surviving crappy jobs, finances stretched to the limit, too much work and too little sleep, illness, unreliable cars, exhaustion, fighting for time together in between work, home and childrearing, believing in God and miracles when your world is crashing around you and life is a daily challenge. But through it all, we made a pact that we would never tear each other down in front of other people, that we would make our marriage a priority, and that we would always be “the one” for each other. Russell and I have a fabulous marriage, which isn’t to say that we’ve have a perfect marriage…I tend to be the dominant personality in this duo (I bet that surprises you all!), and while I’m a “jump in with both feet but may not finish something” kind of a person, Russell is a slow-starter, but has the patience and endurance to get us to the finish line. He is without a doubt the most patient, gentle, kind man I have ever met and he has NEVER raised his voice to me (and there have been plenty of times in our marriage when he probably should have). I’m a yeller (not as much as I used to be) and he’s the quiet, patient one.

Neither of us were looking for love when we met…I was a widow at the age of 21 and he was a geeky guy working two jobs and trying to pay off bills. We met at McDonald's (he trained me on how to cook a hamburger). We were friends who fell in love. We agreed that we would always make a big deal of our anniversary and we have…sometimes it was a cheap “we’re at home but everyone thinks we’re gone” getaway, but always, we have celebrated our anniversary. I would rather spend time with Russell than with anyone else…we both cherish our time together and even now, my heart leaps when the phone rings between 11 and noon every day. We have shared a craft room together for a number of years (he model railroads and I scrapbook). With my enrollment in Karen Russell’s photography class, we discovered it’s a hobby/passion we both enjoy so we are having a blast together with the photography thing.

Every marriage has the ups and downs of closeness and intimacy…which are often sacrificed in the everyday insanity of life…work, home, bills, family, children, church, sleep, etc. And then…something miraculous happens and you have that special spark back. We’re riding that high again and while it’s embarrassing to our 18 year old; we’re crazy in love and having such a good time. I’ll be 51 in one month…I’m overweight, out of work, having health issues again (still) and yet, my husband looks at me with the look that melts my insides and I thank God once again for this wonderful man and the miracle of love. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have this kind of marriage and trust me, we don’t take it for granted.

One of the secrets I'll share is this...for many years, when Russell was working two jobs and there were some days we only saw each other for a few minutes, we started writing notes to each other in a journal. I have insomnia issues and Russell often goes to bed earlier than I do, so we're still writing notes, usually once or twice a week. We have filled several journals and I love going back through them...they are the every day details of our lives...reminders, complaints and praises of our family life. But they are also a love note and they never, ever get old. Write your sweetie a note - in a journal or on a post-it note and put it in his lunch box...it never fails to thrill me when I see he's written me a note in the journal or when I see that he's still carrying one in his lunch box that I wrote to him months ago...romance and the wooing of each other, never grows old.

 

 

Birthday Blessings and Blues...

Today, I'm 49. There's an Andy Griffith show where he tells Gomer, who is going on a blind date, not to "over-expect"...and someone needs to remind me of that...particularly with holidays and celebrations. I think as you get older, birthdays seem to be shoved aside with minimal celebration and last year, after another somewhat disappointing birthday, I decided that this year, I wanted to really honor and celebrate each birthday in our family. Shanna and Russell both had lovely birthday celebrations which actually lasted several days with family get togethers, dinner out, etc. Let me preface this by saying that my husband is the most wonderful guy in the world...however, he works long hours for UPS and since he's been a driver, he hasn't had (taken) the time to shop for a birthday gift (or Christmas for that matter), so I've bought my own and wrapped it up. I told him this year what was on my wish list...and he did come through (thanks to Tanya, at A Joy Forever, who held the Strawberry Quickutz alphabet that I wanted). This year, Russell had the opportunity to attend a model railroad convention yesterday and today...taking classes, going through all the fun booths, visiting with other model railroaders (those of us who are scrappers know how fun and exciting it is to go to a scrapping convention and see all the new stuff) and this was his first model railroad convention with classes that he's ever been able to attend...so I told him to go (and I wanted to him to go and have a good time), even though he would be gone the entire day of my birthday.

I am not a chocolate cake lover and yet, even knowing that, my boss has gotten a chocolate cake for me for the last two years...so this year, she bought...a white cake with chocolate and coffee filling...I HATE coffee even more than chocolate and she knows that...what the heck! Today was the last day of my three-day in-house seminar and I was so busy serving everyone and making sure they all had their gluten, wheat free, kosher, vegan food and getting eye drops for the lady with pink eye that I didn't have the time to dwell on the fact that I'm 49 and there are certain days when I miss my Mom so much it's almost a physical ache...

So finally work is over...I know that Russell is at the model railroad convention and I will be picking Shanna up from school and then taking her back so she can play in the band at the football game tonight. I swear to you...16 year old girls can be the rudest, unkind, people on the face of the earth and today, if I could have, I would have smacked her...not only did I not receive any kind of birthday wishes, home-made card, hug, etc...she ate my cake and tried to take some of my birthday money for her dinner...so I left in tears...so that's the blues part of my birthday.

I knew that if I didn't pull myself together, I would spend the evening crying so I went for the first time ever, to see a movie on my own...went to see The Women (it didn't get great reviews), but overall, it wasn't a bad movie and I laughed a lot. Stopped at Costco on the way home (Russell and Shanna still gone to their respective activities) and I bought myself a new book and a bouquet of flowers (I love fresh flowers and that's always a guaranteed way to brighten my day). Got home and discovered email messages and cards in the mail from some of my special precious friends...Sandra, Sue, Lorraine and BonnieRose, plus all three of my brothers, my Dad and Mother-in-Law (who also made my favorite cake)...thanks for remembering me. So that's the blessing...

Sometime this weekend, we'll go out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Red Lobster. Shanna is still being a little poop so I told her I didn't want to see her until she could apologize and treat me with a little more respect...so my lesson for today is not to over-expect and that sometimes, it's okay to put me first and treat myself to a movie, flowers and a new book.

So, I'll start tomorow being 49 with a happier face and finish sharing my transformation notebook...