Musings of an Unfinished Woman

A New Focus

Happy 2010... a new view on life…and a change of focus.  Can’t believe it’s been eight months since I blogged. Somehow, 2009 was a blur of busyness and trying to stay on top of my job, keeping up with a very busy teenager, our home and family, health issues…you know how it goes. I turned 50 on September 12 and two days later, on September 14, like so many other Americans, I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I was braced for possible changes in my job but was still surprised. I immediately filed for unemployment while trying to determine what to do next…God showed me.

 

There have been times in my life when divine intervention has been evident and that happened to me after my layoff. Nearly every “never” that I’ve ever said has come true…it’s like God is telling me I should never say never . Anyway, two of my nevers were that I would never go back to school and I would never have an SLR camera (they are too big, too hard to learn and what the heck is an F-stop anyway?). Two days after I lost my job, someone told me that if she were unemployed she would go back to school and do something she loved. So, I looked online at Mt Hood Community College’s course offerings (just looking of course since I was NEVER going back to school). I was intrigued by their Integrated Media Program, which includes graphic design, digital photography, broadcasting and video production. It's a 2 year Associates Degree and each program takes 20 students a year. I called and was told it was full and to try again in the fall of 2010. Two hours later, I received a phone call that they had an opening and would accept applications for two days. So I took my placement tests (who needs algebra when you’re my age?), and miraculously passed! Got my photo and design portfolio together and submitted it with my essay. They had 25 applications for that one spot. One week after my layoff, I was accepted into the Digital Photography Program and started school the next day!

 

The more difficult part of this whole crazy scenario was that since I had filed for unemployment, I would have to apply for the Oregon Unemployment Training Program, which would allow me to go to school full-time and still receive unemployment (and not have to look for a job). As with any government application, there were tons of forms to be filled out, another essay to write, etc. If they decided not to allow me into the OUTP, then I would have to quit school to keep the unemployment. So after 7 weeks of waiting, I received notification that I was approved.

 

So…I’m going to school full-time, am learning how to use an SLR camera (I now know what an F-stop is…just don’t ask me to explain it!) and, I’m receiving unemployment… that is definitely divine intervention! It’s been years since I’ve been in school and let me tell you, things have changed! I’m the oldest in my class (most of my classmates are young enough to be my child!), but I just finished my first semester and have a 4.0 GPA! I’m learning all aspects of digital photography, and how to use Adobe Photoshop, Lightoom, InDesign, Dreamweaver and Flash. My old brain is being challenged to learn all kinds of new things!

Back on the Net...Dreaming of the Beach

I'm back on the World Wide Internet (as Monk would say). We had an "outage" last Thursday and I've been without my internet since then (we had an internet connection at the beach house we rented last weekend, which is why I was able to update my blog). Other than Diet Coke and scrapbooking, the internet is my "must-have". It's not that I'm on it for hours at a time...I like to get on every couple of hours and check email, catch up on my favorite blogs and now that I have a blog...update it daily!

Our weekend at the beach was fabulous. You know those rare occasions when everything turns out exactly like you wanted it to (thank you Lord)...that's how it was on Friday when we left town. My husband is a UPS driver and rarely gets home before 7. He put in an eight-hour request but they don't always honor those...so I took him to work on Friday morning at 6 am (so I could just pick him up after work and we'd be on our way). By some fluke, the loader for his truck didn't show up so they asked if he wanted to start early and load his own truck...so he started almost two hours early. After work, I got the car loaded, dropped Shanna off at school (she's in the band and had to play at the football game) and picked Russell up at...5:05 pm. We were at the beach by 7:30...with a dinner stop included. I took the picture above through the front windshield while we were driving.

Time alone as a couple is so precious. Pastor George just preached about this last week. I know several couples who never take time together...never go on dates...the kids always come first. It's easy to get so wrapped up in our kids lives and all their activities that we lose ourselves in the process. There is so much pressure on kids now to not just excel in school, but to be involved in sports, extra-curricular activities, service projects, church activities, etc., but when does it become too much? When we adopted Shanna, we made the decision to be a couple first and then parents, not easy to do in this fast-food, drive through, work over-time, cell phones on all the time, stay connected, fill up your calendar world that we live in...so it was wonderful to just be a couple for a weekend.

Oceanside, Oregon is fairly remote, so we didn't have cell phone service, so no interruptions from our daughter (Natalie, a wonderful young woman from our church stayed with Shanna for the weekend). Russell and I have been married almost 26 years...I am so blessed to love and be loved by such a wonderful man...we have so much fun together...he really does complete me (he doesn't look like he's almost 50 years old does he!?).

If you've never been to the ocean, there's no way to describe how incredible it is...so calming, invigorating, beautiful, healing...I don't have enough adjectives to adequately describe the ocean - it truly is one of God's most beautiful creations (in my opinion). This weekend confirmed for both of us that we have a dream to live at the beach and to own a beach retreat home...so we're giving that dream to God. We would love to offer a comfortable, intimate setting...not just for scrapbookers and crafters...but a retreat home for couples, women's and men's groups, pastoral staff retreats, etc. I asked in an earlier blog post what you would want in a beach retreat home - and would still love to hear your thoughts on what you have loved or hated about a vacation home.

Do you have a favorite place that you escape to...somewhere that gives you the same sense of peace and renewal that the beach does for me? Happy Wednesday...it's good to be back on the net...

Defining Moments...and Being that One Person

We each have in our lives those defining moments that drastically change the course of our lives…one of mine was five years ago. After owning our scrapbook store for four years, we decided to sell for several reasons, but mostly because the long hours were taking a toll on my body, on our family (we were both working 60-80 hours a week), and financially, it was getting tougher to make a living. During the time we owned the store, we didn’t have health insurance. We both got new jobs and mine came with insurance after three months…so I went in for a complete physical…convinced that my extreme fatigue was hormonal.

 

On Friday, April 11, 2003, my doctor called at 6:32 pm and asked if I was sitting down. She said, “You have a potentially life-threatening disease that will need to be monitored and evaluated as soon as possible. You have Hepatitis C.” I had no idea what that was…my first thought, like many is that it’s from bad food…but unfortunately, this was much worse than that. Hepatitis C is a blood-borne disease, usually contracted through blood transfusions, unprotected sex or dirty needles. All my life I have walked that very narrow, safe road…I’ve never smoked, done any drugs, have had sex only with the man I’m married to…but in 1978, I had my ears pierced at a now defunct mall store and through a dirty, infected needle, I got Hepatitis C.

My diagnosis made me angry and confused…having always been so careful in my life choices, I now had a disease that I could give to another person…my husband and daughter had to be tested. If I cut myself, those around me had to wear gloves. The protocol with this diagnosis is to have another blood test done to confirm the diagnosis, wait 6 weeks and get another blood test, to ensure that it wasn’t a false positive (mine wasn’t). From there, I was scheduled for a liver biopsy to determine the extent of my liver damage…how much cirrhosis and inflammation I had. My liver biopsy determined that I was in Stage 3 of 4 and my genotype (strain of the Hepatitis) was a more difficult type to treat. Because of my age, genotype and weight, I was given a 35% chance of achieving a “sustained response” (remission) if I went through the year of treatment, which is similar to a chemo treatment that you administer yourself. Every person reacts differently to the treatment…some with mild side effects and some, like Natalie Cole, (who is currently going through the treatment) with severe side effects. So…five years ago this week, I began my year-long treatment for Hepatitis C. I was fortunate to have really good insurance through Kaiser (I know a lot of people hate Kaiser, but I love them and have the best doctors)…my treatment was $778 per week…but I only paid $15 per month...a huge blessing.

 

When you start this treatment through Kaiser, you are put into a group of six to ten people with Hep C and you attend a class and learn how to give yourself the weekly shots and daily medication, what to expect as far as side effects and you’re assigned a nurse who checks in on you once a week (more if necessary) and reports back after each blood test (done weekly). My first treatment, done on September 19, 2003, was like nothing I hope ever to go through again. Shanna was gone for the weekend to a church retreat (thank you Lord)…so she didn’t witness the horrible side effects of that first night. That first night was one of the longest of my (and Russell’s) life…fever of 105.5, chilling and shivers to the point where my muscles locked up, a headache worse than anything I’ve ever had…Russell held me through that entire long night, until his muscles were tired and aching too, as I fought to stay sane through the insane pain and agony. And so began a year long fight for my life…those severe side effects continued for several weeks until my body “adjusted” to the heavy drugs and then other side effects took their place…through it all, I managed to work 32 hours a week (because I had the insurance and needed to work).

Out of that year, I learned to accept the help of friends, to admit that I was no longer “super mom or woman”…it was all I could do to get through my work day, cry myself home and crawl up the stairs to bed…what I would have done without my husband, father and daughter, I’ll never know. God brought me to my knees that year…showed me that I needed to appreciate life…the simple things…to let go of hurts and anger…to ask for forgiveness and to admit that sometimes, just getting through the day is good enough. It was a long year, and yet, I can honestly say that it was worth it…the experience was truly life-changing…I did make it through my year of treatment and have no traces of Hepatitis C at this time (that could change, but for now, my liver is amazingly healthy).

My diagnosis was devastating and the first thing I do when something is new and unfamiliar to me is to research it…to find out as much about it as possible and hopefully, talk to someone who has been there. However, I didn’t know anyone with Hep C…until one day I was listening to my favorite radio station and the female disk jockey was talking about the American Liver Association and that she had just finished her Hepatitis C treatment…I immediately emailed her and prayed that she would have time to contact me…she did more than that…she met me several times and through my year of treatment, emailed me regularly. Susan taught me the value of just “being there” and when I asked how I could ever repay her, she told me to pass it on. Little did I know that I would be able to do just that.

 

In 2007, I took Stacy Julian’s online class “Library of Memories” and one day while looking at the online gallery of pages, I noticed a page titled “Me Versus Hep C”…so of course, I clicked on it and immediately started crying as I read Amy’s Hep C story. I emailed her and introduced myself and we’ve been friends since then. Amy finished her Hep C treatment a year ago and is still struggling with the disease...so keep her in your prayers. I hope to one day meet her in person (she lives in Wisconsin) but until then, she knows that I am always there to support her. Last week, she sent me an email and wrote: “If your ears ring all the time, it's a good thing, because when I tell my Hep C story to people I just met, your name always comes up and I tell them that you helped me through my treatment because you knew exactly what I was going through and you sent me the sweetest care packages. You are a true blessing in my life Kathryn. I look up to you because you are such a strong loving person. Just so you know, you mean a lot to me.”

So finding out about my Hepatitis C was a defining moment for me but learning to change and be thankful for this challenge is what made the difference. Each of us in our lives will have to face some kind of crisis…health, job, finances, the death of a loved one. I have discovered that from this life-changing disease, I needed to make necessary life changes in my attitude and life style and I discovered that one person can make a difference…from Susan who helped me through it…and then I met Amy and have had the privilege of sharing her journey and giving her the love and encouragement that others showed to me…the power of one is absolutely awesome if we will only take the challenge and be that one person for someone else…I love you Amy…and always, you are in my thoughts and prayers…

 

My favorite quote during my year of treatment:

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying…I will try again tomorrow.

 

Transformation Retreat...

As part of my transformation process over the next year (I’ll be 50 next year), I am working on making some changes in my life (see posts about my transformation notebook). I asked for a retreat weekend for my birthday and that’s where we…my wonderful husband Russell and I are now. We are spending three days at the Oregon Coast…relaxing, being a couple (which can be a challenge given our schedules and a busy teenage daughter) and spending time talking, praying and setting some goals for our lives. I found a retreat book (from this website A Womans Way) and some of the questions or exercises included the following:

I am most proud of (list of 10-20 things in your life).

How do I see myself?

How do my friends and co-workers see me (not sure if I’m supposed to ask them).

Ten events- people and/or situations that have made me who I am.

I am most grateful for…

20 things I dream of having, doing or manifesting in my life.

Letter to myself written at the age of 80 for the me now

What is my perfect life…now, in five years and ten years

 

Because I have a husband who loves me and wants to make me happy and improve our marriage (which is already absolutely awesome), he did the exercises/questions too. It’s been interesting, emotional and affirming to find out that we are striving for and wanting the same things. We’ve spent several hours yesterday and today walking on the beach and talking…you remember those talks you had when you were dating and getting to know each other and you could spend hours sharing your heart…that’s what it’s been like. I think talks from the heart are best done in the car (with no kids or distractions) or walking…and we’ve done both. It’s been such an awesome experience for both of us and let me tell you, when you’re sharing your hearts desires, fears and thoughts, the physical intimacy increases dramatically…which is a happy thing, especially without our teenage monitor (Shanna calls us “little nasties” when we kiss or are in any way affectionate in front of her and I’m not talking about anything even slightly inappropriate in front of a child)…she’s appalled...like most teenagers...that her parents have a physical relationship “at our age”…and any reference to sex just gets her going…she recites flower names and closes her eyes!).

Last night when we shared our answers to the above questions, my answers to How do I see myself? were in fact, quite close to Russell’s answers…mine were: organized, efficient, stoic, obsessive, neat, bossy, reliable, responsible, loyal, hard-working, punctual, positive, happy, conscientious, a self-starter but not always a finisher, hospitable, sometimes critical and judgmental of myself and others. After I read my list to Russell, I said I sound like one of those St. Bernard rescue dogs…I guess there’s worse things to be but I want to have more fun in there. 

 

I love fresh flowers and candles, so I brought both...my favorite candles are from Illuminations (thanks Sandra for introducing me to these). Our favorite scent is Cranberry-Orange...what a delicious smell. We stopped at the grocery store on the way to the beach house and got a few treats and these beautiful fall flowers. We agreed that for this weekend, we wouldn't bring any movies or watch any TV...we have a number of favorite TV shows but are coming to the realization that TV can suck your life away so we're making a conscious choice to only watch a few favorites this fall, so we've been talking, reading, listening to music on the Ipod (if you don't have an Ipod, you're missing out)...where else can you have all your favorite music from your entire lifetime (and before) in one place, along with sitting on the deck or in front of the windows enjoying the sights and sounds of the Oregon coast.

 

If you're ever in Tillamook, Oregon, there are a few "must-see" places to stop including the Tillamook Cheese Factory and the Blue Heron French Cheese Company. It's actually a working farm...we were treated to a rooster in full cock-a-doodle-doo crowing mode, the antics of an amorous mule trying to get it on with his less than cooperative female companion (he got a few kicks for his efforts after he pulled on her tail and chased her around the barnyard), a collection of old vehicles dating back to the early 1920s, and inside samples of cheeses and dips and an eclectic collection of kitchen doodads, signs, figurines and other things to spend your money on.

 

A short drive up Highway 101 to Garibaldi where Russell got to see an old steam engine train (have I mentioned how much he loves trains and model railroading?) and ironically, across the street, a Dairy Queen (we love buying a quart of the vanilla and taking it home for a late night treat). It's been a truly fantastic day and a half and we've still got the rest of today and all day tomorrow. Mini-vacations are a wonderful thing...hope you're enjoying your weekend...more later. I'm off to take a nap...all this thinking is wearing me out.

Two of my Categories of Change...

I'm creating a "transformation" notebook for myself and over the weekend, I found tabbed page protectors and made scrapbook page dividers.

My first category is Physical Health, which is the most obvious and probably for me, one of the most difficult. I love food...it is my comfort when I'm happy, sad, upset, angry. At one of my past jobs, I worked with someone who "forgot" to eat when she was stressed out...hello...wish that was my problem. Some of the specific items that I want to do on my list in this category include:

• Take swimming lessons (I'm afraid of the water and don't know how to swim...notice I didn't say "learn how to swim"...my initial goal is to be comfortable in the water.

• Walk a marathon

• Ride my bike on a 15 mile ride (at one time)

• Find a personal trainer (by March 12)

• Buy fun (not all black) new clothes in my new size (8-10)

• Get makeup help/tips and possible makeover

My next category is Spiritual and part of that is Serving. For years, I taught Sunday School, made bulletin board displays for church, sang in the choir...and I burned out on all of it. Our church now has "Seasons of Service", which is an awesome idea as it gives everyone a break and an opportunity to try new areas. For my divider page, I used a card that I've kept for years. It says "Jesus is the blessing and we are the blessed". Some of the things on my list are:

• Host women’s life group

• Sponsor a child or adult at Christmas

• Go with Shanna to Emmeaus and serve at least one time (our church serves dinner at a homeless center every Monday night and our daughter loves to go and serve at this)

• Attend three Monday night  ALC women’s gatherings through the next year.

Those are my first two categories. I've been thinking and praying about this for a couple months and am trying to make my "List of 50"  things that are doable, realistic and yet, still challenge and stretch me.

Transformation Update: The Notebook

I wrote in an earlier post my commitment to transforming some areas in my life in the next year (my 49th birthday is this week). I have spent the last couple of weeks making a list of 50 things (since I'll be 50 next year) that I want to change, do, see, experience, etc. in the next year. I wanted to make my list realistic, but also want to challenge myself, face some of my fears and have some fun. I'm one of those practical, always dependable, organized people who is rarely spontaneous and has trouble "letting go", which in a nutshell, means I'm an uptight, anal, middle-aged, too predicable woman and I don't want to be. Anyone else like me, and if so, have you made changes to your life? How do you let go and throw yourself into living in the moment, being goofy and silly (I can do this on vacation) but in my everyday life, not so much.

On Jill Conyers blog (see Favorite Blogs) her post on making changesand an update on Goal 2008, where she shared a mini-album that she created at the beginning of this year with goals for herself and where she has tracked her progress. I loved the idea so much that I'm creating a 8.5x11 album to track my transformation. I found a Making Memories album and decorated the front.

I have created five sections to cover the areas of my life I'll be working on: Physical Health, Relationships, Spiritual, Living Life and Becoming Me. After reading Joan Anderson's books, I know there are other women who feel the same way I do. If anyone wants to join me on this journey, I would love that. Having someone to share this with, someone to be accountable to would be so awesome. Are there things in your life you want to change...of course there are always the obvious ones...lose weight and get in better physical shape, but what about the deeper desires of your heart?

Part of the reason I started this blog is my certainty that I can't be the only middle-aged woman who wants to make personal changes...that have nothing to do with my husband, child, job or home...it's about me and becoming the woman that God wants me to be and that I want to be...the woman who has spent the last 25 years putting her husband, child, family, home, job and church first... everything ahead of her own needs and wants. I don't regret that but need to reclaim myself...be more than Russell's wife, Shanna's mom, an employee of NeuroCom, a member of Abundant Life Church. I will be sharing some of my list and sharing parts of my transformation notebook with you in the next few days...my official year of transformation begins on Friday, September 12th.

A decade of differences

A decade ago, my daughter was a six year old little girl. She hadn’t yet lost her front teeth (she just got her braces off a month ago after three years), her favorite things were her Lego’s and goofy glasses, and her favorite TV show was Duck Tales.

 

A decade ago: 911 meant calling for the police (not a day of national terrorism); Ipod hadn’t been invented, a gallon of gas was $1.13, a postage stamp was .32, Bill Clinton was President, Michael Jordan played for the Chicago Bulls, a weather phenomenon known as “el Niño” came into the news and the last episode of Seinfeld was viewed by 76 million.

 

A decade ago…when Shanna started first grade, we were in the process of opening our scrapbook store, Scrapbook Sanctuary. In the last ten years, we have opened and sold (after four years of long grueling hours, new friendships and thousands of stickers and paper) our scrapbook store; I discovered that I had Hepatitis C and endured and triumphed over a year long “chemo treatment” (I was in stage 3 of 4 with a 35% chance of successfully beating it); my husband started working part-time at UPS to give us health insurance and is now a full-time driver making more than we ever imagined; we’ve moved twice and now live in a condo (with no yard work!); we found a church we love; my husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage; I have embraced scrapbooking in new ways and have been published twice as a scrapbooker.

Ten years later, she’s 16 and a junior in high school as of today…she has her driver’s permit, an ITouch and cell phone, has been to Mexico on a mission trip with our church, has been to more school dances in two years than I’ve ever been to in my life and two years from now will technically be “an adult”.

 

A decade of blessings: reasonably good health; a beautiful, funny daughter who was baptized last year and recently took a Purity vow; I have a job I like; good friends; a wonderful husband who loves me just the way I am; three of our four parents are still alive and relatively healthy. Ten years of changes, life lessons, challenges and heartaches. and yet, looking back, I wouldn’t trade any of it…the good or the bad. I appreciate life more now than I did back then and I know that I need to treasure every crazy, wild, drama-filled moment of these next few years…to document and photograph as much as possible Shanna’s journey from high schooler to adult…because it will go by in the blink of an eye. When she and I are having a battle over homework, or her messy room, or how many text messages she has sent; I need to remind myself that this is life…our life and too soon it is gone and she will be an adult and another decade will have come and gone. Treasure today…

The Wrong Impression

We had a goodbye BBQ party at work on Friday for Steve, a young man who has been accepted into the radiology program at PCC. When he first started nearly three years ago, my conservative, judgmental nature immediately thought, “holy cow, who is this long haired kid with tattoos and piercings in places no one should have a hole in. What could I possibly have in common with this guy”? But it doesn’t pay to make snap judgments and Steve has become such a special person to me, even though I’m old enough to be his mother. He spent four years in the Navy and after finishing his service, came to work with us as a temp. We are fortunate to work for a wonderful company and Steve stayed and became a permanent employee.

As time went on and I would go into the manufacturing department (where the guys take turns choosing the music), and hear the sounds of Duke Ellington and Glenn Miller or one of the jazz greats blaring out from the speakers (where normally hard rock or talk radio is the most popular choice). When I told him that our daughter Shanna played the alto saxophone and had been accepted into the jazz band, he was quick to offer his praise and advice about what kind of music to practice to (he himself is a musician). Steve was always willing to help me with lifting and moving heavy boxes, hauling and storing things…never complaining and always easy-going. He had a sweet tooth and was always thrilled when I would save him a piece of chocolate cake or a Costco maple-glazed muffin leftover from the in-house seminars that I coordinate every month. Over time, we talked about music, life, religion, relationships and even politics and I was shocked to find out that he is nearly as conservative as I am.

 I wish Steve well as he follows his heart and dreams…I will miss our conversations, his gentle ways and great music choices. Over time, he cut his hair, got rid of the piercings and on Friday, at his farewell party, he told me his exterior is now more reflective of his interior. How often do we put up an exterior hoping to come across a certain way but find that our true selves are buried deep and can’t sustain that outer shell…whatever it may be? Through Steve, I learned a valuable life lesson that clearly, you can’t judge a book by its covers…you have to turn the pages and discover the surprises and delights inside. My prayer today is that I will always take the time to look inside and see the real person…not just the exterior. It’s been a honor to get know this wonderful young man and I’m grateful for the life lessons I learned while working with and getting to know him.

Commit to Transform

At the beginning of the year, I choose “Commit” as my word for the year (see Ali Edwards http://aliedwards.typepad.com for more info on “one word”). In a recent post on her blog, she reflected on her word for this year and how is has or hasn’t changed her life. From her blog, here is part of her entry:

“My word for 2008 is vitality. And just like most things in my life, it's a work in progress…This week I am reconnecting with my word. I lost it there for awhile. Today I am thinking a lot about the daily choices I make regarding food and exercise and stress. I am planning meals. I am walking. I am making some additional work changes and adjustments (especially related to travel over the next year). I am taking action. Have you done anything with your word this year? Has it faded into oblivion or lived near the surface or been on your mind daily? Has it impacted you one way or another? Do you need a new word or has a new one surfaced as the year has progressed? I would love to read if you are being challenged by your word or celebrate with you if you are having successes.”

 My word for the year was “Commit” and it’s absolutely clear that I NOT committed to making needed changes, being more free, being more joyful, living in the moment…appreciating and savoring the here and now…the gift of the present. I haven’t been proactive about my life and the changes I want (and need) to make…haven’t committed to anything and in fact, have been idle and neglectful of my body and spirit. I am reading the last and most current book by Joan Anderson, “The Road Back to Yourself, The Second Journey”. Her books have resonated with me, touched my heart and spirit and have given me the courage to make changes.

My word Commit isn’t going to be sufficient. As I near my birthday (I'll be 49 on September 12), I have decided to change my word to Transform. The dictionary defines transform as:

trans·form

1.   to change in form, appearance, or structure; metamorphose.

2.   to change in condition, nature, or character; convert.

Transform, convert mean to change one thing into another. Transform suggests changing from one form, appearance, structure, or type to another: Convert suggests so changing the characteristics as to change the use or purpose: to convert a barn into a house.

My goal in this next year, leading up to my 50^th birthday, is to transform myself…my body, mind and spirit. After reading Donna Downey’s blog and her weight loss, http://donnadowney.typepad.com/simply_me/, I started yesterday by joining NutriSystem to jumpstart my weight loss. My plan isn’t to be on it for very long…just long enough to get myself back on track.  I’m committing to getting back to our morning walks…there’s nothing like taking a brisk walk in the early morning…Russell and I were taking 45 minute walks together before we went to work, and we would pray, praise and talk…a wonderful way to begin each day. Somehow, we’ve gotten lax about it and I miss the exercise but even more the personal time alone together to walk and talk, watch the sunrise, admire the beauty of nature and, occasionally see a wild bunny or a raccoon. So…that’s step one in my quest for transformation…stay tuned for more…

Retreats, Friendship and Change

I’m not normally a reader of self-help books...when I read, I like to escape, so my usual preference is romantic suspense, murder mysteries, contemporary novels, etc. However, on the recommendation of BonnieRose on her blog, A Life Unrehearsed, I bought the book “A Weekend to Change Your Life: Find Your Authentic Self After a Lifetime of Being All Things to All People” by Joan Anderson.  This book was such a balm to my soul and made me feel like I'm not the only woman who wants more.

 

I am 48 years old and while I'm not unhappy in my life...I have an awesome husband and a great marriage, a 16 year old daughter (who is, for the most part, a great kid), a job I like, a church that we love being a part of...and yet, there is within myself a yearning and need to change. It has nothing to do with my family, home or job. Like most women, I’ve been so busy raising a child, working full-time, keeping up our home, tending to my marriage and health, etc. that I’ve neglected to nourish myself and keep up my friendships.

It's already August and I can't help but feel that the year is half over and what have I done? I feel like I live my life on a conveyor belt...round and round, the same thing every day. I want to make a difference, to go beyond my comfort zone and experience more of life, to have more "real" friends, to let loose, allow myself to be silly and free. I've always done what's expected of me, been the organized, responsible person and actually, don't know how to change...but I want to.

I’ll be 49 next month. Since I can’t afford a Joan Anderson retreat, I’m gifting myself with a beach retreat of my own (accompanied by my husband, who is looking forward to some rest and relaxation). We’ve reserved a house at the beach for three days. I call it “Beach Bliss”…time to pray, meditate and journal, while seeking direction and wisdom to make the changes within myself that I need to. I discovered the website, www.awomansway.comand purchased her Personal Retreat Kit (available in downloadable form or as an actual kit with book, CD, etc.). I chose the downloadable kit and am looking forward to delving into the questions and exercises. 

 

“Smelling the salt of the ocean, feeling the touch of the sea, there is no better way of setting your spirit free.”

One of the blogs I read regularly is Ali Edwards…she recently went on a beach retreat with a group of women she met online who share an interest in art, writing and photography. She wrote a few sentences about the retreat, posted a photo on her blog and included links to each of the other women’s blogs who shared the beach retreat. I spent several hours yesterday reading their blogs and filling my soul with their photos and words. A few in particular touched a chord.

 

Andrea, on her blog http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/, wrote “We got to see ourselves this weekend. We got to see our spirits reflected back to us. In a world where all we notice what's wrong, how far we have to go, what we need to fix...it is a rare gift. What an incredible thing, to see ourselves as we truly are, the magic of ourselves, the gift of us. Not the better lose this, trim this, icky, what's my hair doing, scrunch of the face we often do in the mirror, but the seeing the best of who we are reflected back to us in someone else's eyes. We didn't plan it this way but I saw it unfold all around us. Unspoken or not, there were whispers in the cool, salty air...I see you. I see how wise you are, and funny...Wow, you are so powerful and tender all at the same time. You are a safe haven, it's good to be near you...It's hard to put into words. We vacillated between deep talks and tears that surprised us to silly dancing around the bonfire with wigs and outrageous laughter. There's something special that happens when girls get together. It's intimate, it's fun, it's silly, it's sacred. This was all of those things.”

 

I have many women "acquaintances" but few close women friends. I would love to find a group of women with whom I could share that kind of relationship…not just the surface stuff, but the deeper stuff. Friendships like that to time to create and nurture, which is why so many women, myself included, find themselves in their middle years with few “real” friends. Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet though, meeting kindred spirits is possible…I have to believe I'm not alone in wanting more…wanting to change myself… to create a more authentic, fun, life for myself. So, I’m opening up my heart and soul and praying that God will bring into my life other women who wish for the same thing...so that we can share the journey...