Musings of an Unfinished Woman

Gratitude and an Epiphany

They say that love makes the world go around and the Lord knows Russell and I are still madly in love, but I’d have to say money is the other necessary commodity needed to make our world turn. In this economy, there are so many “regular, hardworking folks” who are barely making ends meet. Minimum wage in some states is as low as $4 an hour. Oregon has the highest minimum wage in the nation at $8.40. I’m not a “political person” but really, do any of our elected officials have any idea how to live on minimum wage? As a parent of a recently graduated child who is entering the workplace with no skills and no work history, I wonder how many years it will take our young people to achieve the “American dream”? Russell and I were married six years and were 30 years old before we bought our first home. We paid $45,000 and felt like we had hit the jackpot. It was a “fixer-upper” and we did a lot of the work ourselves. According to the news, the economy is improving but I don’t see it. Our school district is laying off staff, and a couple of my friends are in job sectors that are downsizing.

In the last three months, I've applied for 74 jobs, have had two phone interviews and two in-person interviews and still...no job, and that's with 30 years of office experience and excellent computer skills. I have two weeks left on my unemployment and will reapply. I’m fortunate to receive it and never ever take it for granted. Financially, we are blessed that Russell has such a good job. He’s in his fourth year as a UPS driver and got his own route a few months ago, which means he has regular, consistent hours. We have learned the hard way that living beyond our means can have a long-term negative impact on your credit. I am the budget guru in our family and have finally learned that a budget is essential. Online banking is an absolute wonder – paying bills online is the only way to go. I’m one of those obsessive personalities (shocking isn’t it!), who checks our checking account every morning and balances my checkbook. We just got an updated credit report and our credit score is higher than it’s ever been in our almost 28 years together! We have followed a lot of the budget principles taught by Dave Ramsey (but we don’t do cash envelopes. Actually, Russell and I rarely have cash…if we have it, we spend it. 

Taking advantage of sales on groceries and non-perishable items has saved us a ton of money, plus shopping at Wal-Mart, Winco and Costco. I never thought I would be a “savvy shopper”, but with careful shopping, coupons, selling stuff on Craigslist, and a rewards credit card that we pay off every month, we should be debt free by the end of the year…which is an absolutely thrilling prospect.

I wrote a couple weeks ago about “Making it Click” and getting back on track with exercise, home and personal projects, etc. I had a major epiphany (isn’t that a great word!) this week:  my inertia and inability to fully engage my body and mind is that I feel guilty that I'm not working and therefore, not "sharing the load or contributing" to the family budget…so I have no right to enjoy my time off. Other than a brief time off at the end of my year-long chemo regime, I have worked full-time for over 30 years. My unemployment isn’t a reflection of me and my abilities but of our economic and political times…so I need to revel in the time given to me and enjoy being at home. Right now, today, I am grateful for this opportunity to spend time with my mother-in-law, have a $5 dinner with my life group ladies, take a walk in the park, read a book, sleep in occasionally and work on organizing my photo files. Life is good and I am feeling fabulous!

 

Love the quote below. When Shanna was growing up, we had Friday morning ritual that we all loved...before we left home for the day, we would dance and sing a "happy Friday" song. We don't do that anymore...but we need to and not just on Fridays. God is so good to us every day...so let yourself sing and dance to the music in your soul...Happy Friday!

 

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

 

Photography and Midnight Musings

Shanna and her road trip friends made it from Portland, Oregon to Florence, California (a distance of 985 miles) in a record-breaking 12 hours. They left here on Tuesday night at 11:40, had dinner in Hollywood on Wednesday night, spent Thursday at Disneyland, part of Friday at the coast and got home about 1:00 pm on Saturday afternoon. A trip to California and back in 85 hours…holy smokes. Now that’s a road trip!

It’s no secret that I love photography. We have a Canon “point and shoot” and my Canon Xsi that I got when I enrolled in the Integrated Media program last fall at the community college. I have to admit that Russell was a fan of SLR cameras long before I was…when we first got married, he owned a Minolta SLR (those were the days of film). I was never interested in learning how to use it and was quite happy with an “automatic camera” but now that I know the capabilities of an SRL, I can’t bring myself to use the point and shoot anymore. I’m in week four of Karen Russell’s photography course and Russell has gone with me on all my assignment photo shoots…and we’ve taken turns using the DSLR camera. Russell and I have always enjoyed being together and spend a lot of time in our craft room (he model railroads and I scrapbook).

 

Photography is the one hobby (other than Disney) that we both love. I’ve been selling stuff on Craigslist and we decided to use that money and Russell’s birthday money to invest in another camera so we could both learn and have fun together. I’ve been watching Craigslist and Ebay for a good bargain on a camera. We wanted to buy from a proven seller and didn’t want to pay full-price. After a couple weeks of research and several tries, I finally had the winning bid on an Ebay auction and we are now the proud owners of a Canon T1i at about half the regular price! Our assignment that we turned in yesterday was about depth of field and creative apertures, something I’ve never really experimented with. I spent several hours on Friday trying different things on my camera…all I can say is “thank God for digital”! Since our daughter is all grown up and not that camera-friendly anymore; we don’t have willing or available subjects to photograph so we have to get creative. We’re making a list of photography dates for the next several weeks, and the best part…other than developing (and I only print a fraction of the photos I take), is that there’s no “additional” cost for this hobby of ours.  

 

My brother, Curtis and his wife Jennifer hosted a family barbecue at their house. I’m not sure why we don’t get together more often but we had a good time. I consider Curtis and Jennifer to be “master gardeners” (the flower arrangement is all from their garden!). They have an incredibly beautiful yard and waterfall/pond. Shanna brought her friend Jason over and he was treated to the full force of our little family. We are a loud, everyone talk at once kind of family…lots of jokes, movie lines and remember when stories.

 

Traditionally, Sunday is my worst sleeping night, and last night was no exception. Went to bed at 10 pm, felt really tired…dozed, tossed and turned until I finally gave up. I was up until about 3:30 am. I’ve learned there’s no use lying in bed trying to fall asleep…it doesn’t work and I don’t want to be the cause of Russell not sleeping. There’s something about being up in the middle of the night like that. I would have sat on our deck but the mosquitoes are really bad this year – very unusual for Oregon. So I settled for opening the sliding door and listened to the night sounds. We live in a quiet neighborhood and with a wooded section behind us, are blessed to have the sounds of nature right outside our deck door…an owl, the occasional howl or bark of coyotes, frogs and in the distance, trains and planes.

 

As I sat in our living room listening to the night noises, I was so thankful to be living my life and am really trying to focus on the positive…to be thankful for who I am and what I have in my life…to live more in the moment. I’m thankful my daughter is home safe from her road trip. I’m thankful that I have a husband who wants to spend time with me and that we share such a wonderful life together. I’m thankful for family, and who loves me for who I am. One of my dear friends is going in for a biopsy tomorrow and I’m reminded once again of how precious life is and how much we take for granted. You’re in my thoughts and prayers Sue.

 

The fabulous view from our deck...

Random thoughts at 3 am

 
The picture is of Second Beach on the Washington Coast (where I will be next week)...

 

Random thoughts at 3 am. (I can never sleep when I have a sinus infection). Both Shanna and I are on antibiotics for sinus and upper respiratory infections. Shanna doesn’t do sick well (maybe because she’s been a very “well” kid and when she is sick, she wants to be taken care of. On the other hand, when I am sick, I would just rather be left alone.

 

The Portland Trail Blazers are in the playoffs and will play Phoenix starting on Sunday…go Blazers! Since we have Comcast Sportsnet, we have enjoyed watching our team this year…something Russell and I enjoy together.

 

Last week, Shanna left on Thursday morning with the band to perform in the Regional Conference competition and from there, went directly to Eugene for the State Thespian Conference. Shanna did mime and improvisation and took fourth in improv and was the only one from her school to compete in that category. I can’t imagine getting up in front of thousands of people, getting a topic and coming up with a “routine” on the fly like that! That’s my girl!

 

I’ve had two great interviews (at least I think they went well) for a position at our church for a Facilities Assistant. It’s a lot less money than I earned at my last job but the flip side is that it’s only 25 hours a week which would reduce the stress in my life, give me more time to exercise and allow me to pursue my dream of owning a retreat business. Just giving voice to that is so powerful. I am doing my research, reading some books about starting a business and I am attending a women’s retreat, sponsored by Joan Anderson, the author of five books, including, “A Weekend to Change Your Life”. I love her books…they have resonated with me since I read them in 2008 (see post from August 2008). Russell gifted me with this retreat for my 50^thbirthday and it’s coming up next weekend (April 24-26) on Whidbey Island for my 50^th birthday.

Russell and I are taking a week to vacation and unwind together. We leave early Tuesday morning and are scheduled to take a 3.5 hour “rain forest tour” in the Olympic National Forest. Then a drive up the Washington coast, spending a night in Forks and another in Port Angeles, before heading to Whidbey Island, where we will stay for four nights. It’s been forever since we’ve taken a road trip and with the exception of a couple of overnights at the beach, we haven’t had a vacation in several years. Being the organized, plan-ahead person that I am, I have done extensive research; have planned out our route with lots of time for exploring the beauty of the Olympic forest and beaches. Russell is thrilled because while I’m at my retreat, he will have two days to himself…he’s got some new movies, books and is planning a trip to an aerospace museum. This will be a relaxing vacation for us. I love time in the car together…we’ve had some of our best talks in the car while driving. My motto (and it’s hanging on my bulletin board) is “Expectations reduce joy”. I am guilty of over-planning and over-expecting, particularly when it comes to vacations, family events, etc. so I am trying to set aside my expectations and just enjoy the moment. I am so looking forward to walking on Ruby Beach...isn't this beautiful!

Unemployed...still searching and dreaming

Sometimes, we make a decision based on things we can see without looking deeper into the things we can’t see. Instead of taking the time to ask questions and explore all the options, we jump in and it comes back and bites us in the butt. So goes my new job, which wasn't meant to be. I should have asked to see the office before I accepted the job. He told me his office was out of his home and that he had converted his garage into offices...well, that's true to a point. I am an organized clean-freak and he told me the office needed organization. The "logistics" of the job (close to home, good working hours, casual dress, a salary we both compromised on, nice neighborhood) all weighed heavily in my decision to take the job. The reality is that the "office" is one/third of his garage. It's no bigger than about 15x15 feet. Two desks...side by side about 3 feet apart. Two tables stacked with "stuff". The remaining walls were covered with literature racks, clothing racks, etc. No bathroom...you have to use the one in his house (if it's unlocked) or go across the street to city hall. The bathroom is also the laundry room (complete with dirty laundry on the floor…ick). No microwave or fridge. It was clear almost immediatly that our work styles didn’t mesh. I couldn't stand being in such a small, closed in, messy, unorganized workspace, with no bathroom. etc. The thing of it is...he's a nice guy and I hope he finds the right person. We agreed we weren't compatible and parted company amicably.

 

Do you ever feel like you've hit a dead end, that you're going in slow speed, waiting to figure out where you're going? That's how I feel as I continue to wait on the Lord. I believe He will guide me to the right job. I interviewed at our church yesterday and have a second interview next week. It could be a perfect job for me. It is 25 hours a week and is about half of what I was making at my last job. While earning a decent salary is important, I don't want it to be the deciding factor - I want to enjoy what I do and where I work.

 

Here's the thing...I have realized in the last several months that I have a passion for working with women and would love to have a retreat-workshop business that encompasses not just scrapbooking, but issues of the heart and mind. I think I could also incorporate photography and teaching digital photo classes. I have extensive experience in event planning, coordinating seminars and retreats. Russell is very supportive of my dream...and that's what it's been is a dream. The question is, can I make it a reality in these tough economic times? The church job, while not a lot of money, would provide some income while giving me the opportunity (and time) to explore the logistics of what it would take to start a retreat/workshop business. I have been praying for quite some time about this...having owned a retail business before, I know that I don't want a business that is all consuming...I want (need) to have balance. I am working with a woman who owns a retreat business in another state to coordinate one here in Oregon so I think that could be a good starting point.

 

My unemployment has been extended (thank you Lord). So…there it is…as Martin Luther King said…I have a dream. We’ll see where I can go with it.

 

Have a great weekend...happy Friday. Hope you're seeing signs of spring where you are!

 

 

Needs and Wishes...

One of the books I read recently was "Twenty Wishes" by Debbie Macomber. I like reading "light fluff" as my mother used to say...it's an escape for me. However, this book really made me think about those deep down desires and dreams that we all have. It seems like many of us allow life to become so routine and mundane with all of our obligations and have-to's that we forget to just let go and live with abandon. Some people call that living an authentic life. Whatever it is, I want to live my life with more purpose and passion. Put aside, at least once in awhile, the have-to's and need-to's and concentrate on savoring what makes me happy.

 

My mom used to say that "if mama ain't happy, no one is happy" and I believe as women that we really do set the tone in our home. I am usually a happy, positive person but these last few months I've been in a downward spiral. Our world is in such turmoil...I rarely ever watch the news or read the newspaper...they are full of financial disasters, bailouts, murder/suicides, war, crime. There are things I NEED to do in my life to live a healthier lifestyle and then there are those WISHES that I must acknowledge and strive for in order to have some balance and joy in my life...

I read an interview with Debbie Macomber and like the message: "In retrospect, I really taught my children some of the most valuable lessons of their lives...the power of a dream - of what patience and persistence and working hard can accomplish. Debbie talks about her personal wishes and how she differentiates between goals and wishes. “Wishes are not the things you should do”—that endless to-do list—but, the things you fantasize or dream about like dancing in the rain barefoot or visiting Paris with someone you love, or learning how to decorate cakes, so you can create masterpieces with your grandchildren. Debbie Macomber said that it's important to take that extra time in the morning to get spiritually and physically grounded through prayer/meditation and exercise, before setting out to knock the world out professionally.

 

I receive emails from A Woman's Way (www.awomansway.com), a wonderful website dedicated to support, guidance and tools for women to create breathing space and clarity in a frenzied world. Below is the one I received last week...it has resonated in my heart and soul...perhaps it will speak to your heart as well.

 

Whatever takes us to our edge, to our outer limits, leads us to the heart of life's mystery, and there we find faith – Sharon Salzberg

 

Breathing space...finding peace and clarity in a frenzied world. At some point, we all find ourselves pushed to the very limit of our physical, psychological or emotional tolerance. We feel alone. We feel afraid. We feel like we've lost our way in the world. And yet, if we can sit quietly with our pain, we find that our darkest moments provide us with the greatest opportunities for personal growth. It is this glimmer of possibility that is the beginning of faith. And it is through this faith that we hear our heart whispering quiet words of encouragement...begin anew...follow your dreams...open to new possibilities...

Give yourself the gift of faith today. Faith in yourself, faith in your dreams, faith that you matter, faith in your special place in this world.  Find a quiet space to sit and quiet your mind. Close your eyes and quietly pay attention to your breath. When thoughts pop into your mind, lovingly quiet them and return your attention to your breath. With your eyes still closed, imagine a time in your life when you were joyful, when you were carefree and anything seemed possible. Take out your journal and write in detail about that special time. Ask yourself, what is stopping me from living in that joyful place today? 

Take some time this week to do something fun, just for you. Buy yourself something that makes you smile, call an old friend, rent your favorite movie, laugh for no reason, dance to your favorite music...

 

So what do you think? I’m going to start a list of 10 things I NEED to do (exercise more, etc.) and 20 WISHES (learn how to dance – think the movie Take the Lead or Shall We Dance?). Anyone want to join me?  

 

Happy Friday!

Mama Needs Tires

Craig, one of the drivers Russell works with at UPS, made the comment awhile back that he was working some overtime because "Mama needs tires". This struck me funny and it's become a joke between us (Russell and I have agreed that we will NEVER call each other mother and dad like some couples do). So several weeks ago when I had my car aligned (I was going to say I had my rear-end aligned...but that sounds bad), they told me I needed tires...so of course, I came home and told Russell: "Mama needs tires."

Who knew that tires...not fancy ones with expensive rims...just regular black tires...could cost so much? We ended up ordering them online from Costco, which is a good thing and a bad thing. They email you when they are in and you go in and have them installed...however, what you don't know is that Costco Tire Centers don't take appointments...you take your car in and wait. What a great way to spend a couple of hours...sitting on a hard plastic chair on an 85 degree day smelling tires (ewww) and listening to a family of Russians talking...have you ever noticed that the women always wear scarves and they seem to wear an excessive amount of cologne or perfume...so add that into the tire smell and it was almost nauseating.

Amazing how expensive four pieces of rubber cost...there goes several hundred dollars...sigh. Last week, Craig (at UPS) told Russell he's working overtime because "Mama wants a Cadillac"...hmmm...not this Mama. I'm still in shock over how much insurance will be once Shanna gets her license (good thing she's not a boy!), which won't be until AFTER she finishes her drivers education class, which starts tomorrow. Did I mention that it's every Saturday morning until December 6.

Speaking of December, did you know that Costco already has four aisles of Christmas stuff for sale (since the last week in August!)? I remember when Christmas didn't start until the day after Thanksgiving...those were the days when no-one was open for holidays, and the night of Thanksgiving either the Wizard of Oz or Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (with Leslie Anne Warren) would be on TV...those were also the days with only three TV channels and one TV per family...your TV was either one of those with rabbit ears (which only worked part of the time) or it was in a huge maple or oak console (with a Hi-Fi) that took up half of one wall and weighed about 800 pounds. Am I the only one who is old enough to remember those days and think fondly of them?

Happy Friday!

Baby Elephant

On our way home from the beach yesterday, we stopped at the Oregon Zoo and purchased a year membership so we could watch our cute new baby elephant (born August 23). We took a few minutes to run in and see him...his name is Samudra (called Sam). What a total cutie. Here he is with his Mom, Rose-Tu.

My internet at home is down and we have a tech coming to fix it but until then, I only have my work computer so can't do any long posts.

I have more photos and thoughts on our beach retreat...Russell and I had such an awesome, relaxing time...this was the sunset on Sunday night at Oceanside. This is the Three Capes rocks (you can't see the other rock in this photo)...gorgeous sunset.

Thankful

Amazing what nine hours of sleep will do for a person's mood and body...after my "pity post" yesterday about my less than stellar birthday, I read a thread on Two Peas this morning (Praying for fellow scrapper) about a scrapper in Tennessee who was killed in a car accident on her way to work...leaving a grieving husband and two small children, and suddenly, my bad birthday is instantly put into proper perspective. Russell and I took a walk after breakfast this morning...I am so grateful that I can walk hand-in-hand with my husband and talk about every day stuff, listen to the sound of water falling over a stone statue in a yard, watch a child learning how to ride a bike for the first time, appreciate the flowers blooming on our back deck...how precious life is and how petty our own concerns, irritations and complaints are when compared to the gift of life.

   

The beautiful view from our deck...

My wonderful husband gave me the new Quickutz alphabet "Strawberry", so I'm sitting down to scrap today and will post later later today the rest of my "transformation" notebook.

Thanks for the birthday wishes and posts about my birthday. It's not up to others to make me happy, so taking myself to a movie (it felt a little strange at first, but then I noticed several other women alone and I just relaxed and enjoyed not having to share an armrest and snacks) was a good thing for me to do...did you know that you can buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers at Costco for only $8.99...what a deal! Happy Saturday...thankful Saturday...take a moment and be grateful right now for your life, even though it's busy and complicated...and say a prayer for a family who is now grieving for a mom and wife. We are blessed.

Working Hard and Customer Service

It's amazing how much of our life we spend at work...I spend more time with the people I work with than my family...doesn't seem right in the whole scheme of things but that's the way our life is right now. I don't consider myself a "career" woman. Been there, done that...worked the 60-80 hour weeks, nights, weekends, sacrificing family and friends for the job and more money. Having a major health crisis five years ago made me take a good hard look at my life and how I wanted to spend my time.

My job is "Marketing Coordinator" for a medical device company, which means I coordinate all the trade shows, seminars and events for our company. It's a job I like and do well. Once a month, we host a three day in-house training seminar and approximately 25-30 people from all over the US and occasionally from other countries come to learn how to use our equipment. I work long hours those three days and my role during that time is sort of a "hospitality hostess". I welcome our guests, provide them with food, lodging, etc. I cater in and serve all the food, snacks, beverages, plus am on hand to assist with any special requests. Having owned a scrapbook store for several years where we hosted weekend retreats for 50-75 women at a time, this is "second nature" to me...and yet, every month, I come away from these three days utterly exhausted and surprised at how demanding and downright rude some people can be.

If any of our guests have dietary issues, they are supposed to let me know in advance so that I can order the proper food, and yet, most of the time, they arrive and then tell me...which makes for some last minute scrambling. This month, we are hosting 28 people plus three instructors and in that group I have two women who are gluten and wheat free plus kosher (and let me tell you, Portland Oregon doesn't have a huge Jewish community - we have only one kosher restaurant and it's nearly 15 miles from the office...so we've been running there once or twice a day to pick up food for our two guests); two who are vegan (no animal products of any kind) and one who is lactose and wheat intolerant. The company I work for was just purchased by a larger company and several of the new owners are sitting in on this seminar, so that has added extra pressure to this seminar.

I have a snack basket with approximately 3-4 dozen types of snacks...nuts, candy bars, gluten-free snack bars, snack mix, fruit snacks, etc. and plus we serve 14 types of soft drinks, juices and energy drinks plus bottled water, coffee and hot water for tea...and yet, even with all that, I have requests, complaints and demands for different types of snacks, teas, etc. 95% of our guests are happy and appreciate the variety and types of food and snacks I provide, so why do I let those 5% who complain, make demands and rude comments weigh on me so much? Our guests fill out evaluations at the end of the course and also have the opportunity to comment on any staff person...and yes, we are "just doing our jobs" but sometimes, we go above and beyond and it's nice to at least get a thank you. A couple of the guests in this current seminar seem to have that "entitlement" attitude, and so all of us on staff are on edge as we try and navigate the tight rope of satisfying the customer and yet, not going over the edge with unreasonable demands. Some of our groups are really fun and it's easy to please them...others, like this one, push us to the point of exhaustion and it's hard not be be crabby.

It makes me more conscious of my own behavior and how much I want to be positive and grateful. Really good customer service is rare these days and should be acknowledged...how often do we take the time to thank someone when we have received great service. More often than not, the only time we contact a company is when we have a complaint. What if all of us went out of our way in the next week to notice someone who gives us extraordinary service and take the extra couple of minutes to write a note, send an email, call his/her manager or just tell them thank you for doing such a great job...it would be a guaranteed day brightener for the person who provided the service...

Relaxing Sunday

It's been a wonderful Sunday...after church we dropped Shanna and a couple friends off at the mall for a movie and lunch. Russell and I had Round Table pizza and spent the afternoon watching old Mash reruns (rented from Netflix with no commercial interruptions) and several hours on the deck reading and listening to the birds. We've had some abnormally hot (95-105 degree) weather here in Portland and tonight, we had a rain shower and it's cooling down. I'm more of an Oregonian that I thought as I was really excited to see the rain. I'm so thankful that we have air conditioning. A beautiful sunset with some thunder clouds in the distance from our front porch tonight.

 

The sermon at church today was about serving.... everybody can serve. Pastor George pointed out that many people, myself included, feel like we're not talented enough, don't have enough time, are fearful or afraid to commit - there are a thousand excuses to not serve and give back. So, I signed up (www.coolchurch.com) to facilitate a women's life/study group. This is one of those times in my Christian life when I feel like the Lord is pushing me to do this, even though I feel inadequate and fearful, but I'm taking a leap of faith and trusting that the Lord will catch me. My goal for a women's life group would be to share and pray with each other about being mothers, wives, Christian women, employees and employers and whatever other roles we have in our lives; and to hold each other up and accountable as we face daily life. I know that sounds like a lot to ask from a group but I believe that God can and will bless such a group.

Thanks to those of you who took the time to stop and take a peak at my blog...it's a work in progress...like me and I look forward to getting your comments.