Musings of an Unfinished Woman

The Differences Between Us

She's my daughter, but looking us, you would never know it. Besides the obvious differences between us…I’m white, she’s black…she’s ultra thin and I’m not…she is a social butterfly, always on the go with scads of friends and I’m a homebody with a few good friends. I love photography and she never takes photos. I’m organized, almost obsessively clean and neat, and she’s not at all. I cry at Hallmark commercials and patriotic songs and she laughs at me when I cry for sentimental reasons. The two of us together is like dynamite and a match...light it up and anything can happen. Thank God that Russell is so calm and easy-going...he's a good balance for (or between) Shanna and I, although she thinks we're hopelessly old-fashioned and boring (her expressions are priceless)!

There is no one on the face of this earth who can push my buttons faster than she can. She has made me feel the gamut of emotions and has caused me more sleepless nights and anxiety-filled moments than anyone else. I have spent hours in prayer, cried till my chest hurt, cheered till my voice was gone and had so many moments of joy and laughter that my mouth hurt from smiling. She has wounded me more than any other person, has made me more proud than anyone ever has and has angered me to the point where I felt out of control. One of the quotes that I read years ago and didn’t really understand until I was a parent was “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body.”

Shanna and her friends have been talking for months about taking a road trip to California. No real plans or dates…depending on the moment and who was mad at who, the plan has included anywhere from four to eight friends. Shanna called me yesterday afternoon at 3 pm and said they had worked it out and were planning to leave that night at around 8 pm. It would be Shanna and three friends. The person driving has a nice (reliable) car and they thought they would be gone until Friday or Saturday. One of them has a relative who works at Disneyland and could get them two day passes. So of course, the organized me immediately starts making mental lists and the Mom me starts asking all the questions…who is going, does everyone have enough money, where are you staying, blah, blah, blah. Shanna didn’t even get home last night until almost 9 pm (so obviously they missed the 8 pm departure time). So there I am with my list…do you have Tylenol, sunscreen, band aids, extra shoes, directions, cell phone charger, etc. Yeah Mom, I’ve got it covered. At 11:40 last night, the four of them left. Of course, I went outside, did my “Mom talk”…don’t use your cell phone and drive at the same time, pull over if you get tired, keep the car locked, don’t talk to strangers, please take some pictures for me”…and off they went, all talking at once, music blasting, so excited they were giddy. I would never in a million years have dreamed of taking off on a road trip when I was 18 and even now, at age 50, am a planner and can’t fathom just jumping in the car and leaving without a plan, reservations and map-quested directions.

Parenting is a balancing act…it’s such a hard thing to let her make her own decisions and mistakes. We are in a new phase of parenting and are trying to figure out reasonable rules, curfews and home responsibilities; to know when to step in and help her make decisions and when to let go. No one will ever describe Shanna as being organized, efficient and practical and no one will ever say that I'm spontaneous, free-spirited or adventurous. I want to take a page from Shanna’s life and be more like her and yes, I wish she was a little more like me…but she’s not. And really, I can’t imagine my Shanna girl being any different than she is.

So today I’m praying for her safety and hoping she has the time of her life. One thing we do have in common is that we are Disney fanatics and deep inside, I’m wishing I could throw caution to the wind and take off for a fun trip with just a moments notice. Maybe I’ll make a list about that. Have a good time Shanna girl and remember to take some hat pictures...a family tradition on all our vacations!

Random thoughts at 3 am

 
The picture is of Second Beach on the Washington Coast (where I will be next week)...

 

Random thoughts at 3 am. (I can never sleep when I have a sinus infection). Both Shanna and I are on antibiotics for sinus and upper respiratory infections. Shanna doesn’t do sick well (maybe because she’s been a very “well” kid and when she is sick, she wants to be taken care of. On the other hand, when I am sick, I would just rather be left alone.

 

The Portland Trail Blazers are in the playoffs and will play Phoenix starting on Sunday…go Blazers! Since we have Comcast Sportsnet, we have enjoyed watching our team this year…something Russell and I enjoy together.

 

Last week, Shanna left on Thursday morning with the band to perform in the Regional Conference competition and from there, went directly to Eugene for the State Thespian Conference. Shanna did mime and improvisation and took fourth in improv and was the only one from her school to compete in that category. I can’t imagine getting up in front of thousands of people, getting a topic and coming up with a “routine” on the fly like that! That’s my girl!

 

I’ve had two great interviews (at least I think they went well) for a position at our church for a Facilities Assistant. It’s a lot less money than I earned at my last job but the flip side is that it’s only 25 hours a week which would reduce the stress in my life, give me more time to exercise and allow me to pursue my dream of owning a retreat business. Just giving voice to that is so powerful. I am doing my research, reading some books about starting a business and I am attending a women’s retreat, sponsored by Joan Anderson, the author of five books, including, “A Weekend to Change Your Life”. I love her books…they have resonated with me since I read them in 2008 (see post from August 2008). Russell gifted me with this retreat for my 50^thbirthday and it’s coming up next weekend (April 24-26) on Whidbey Island for my 50^th birthday.

Russell and I are taking a week to vacation and unwind together. We leave early Tuesday morning and are scheduled to take a 3.5 hour “rain forest tour” in the Olympic National Forest. Then a drive up the Washington coast, spending a night in Forks and another in Port Angeles, before heading to Whidbey Island, where we will stay for four nights. It’s been forever since we’ve taken a road trip and with the exception of a couple of overnights at the beach, we haven’t had a vacation in several years. Being the organized, plan-ahead person that I am, I have done extensive research; have planned out our route with lots of time for exploring the beauty of the Olympic forest and beaches. Russell is thrilled because while I’m at my retreat, he will have two days to himself…he’s got some new movies, books and is planning a trip to an aerospace museum. This will be a relaxing vacation for us. I love time in the car together…we’ve had some of our best talks in the car while driving. My motto (and it’s hanging on my bulletin board) is “Expectations reduce joy”. I am guilty of over-planning and over-expecting, particularly when it comes to vacations, family events, etc. so I am trying to set aside my expectations and just enjoy the moment. I am so looking forward to walking on Ruby Beach...isn't this beautiful!

A Respite From Life

Russell and I ran away for two days of together time…time to catch our breath, to relax, reconnect and gain some perspective on our life…past, present and future. There’s no doubt that last year…2008…was a difficult year for us…not in the respect that we suffered any tragedies or huge losses, but difficult in that it was an exhausting, non-stop, grinding whirlwind of work (and more work), keeping up with Shanna and all her school, church and extracurricular activities…and not enough time spent on nurturing our marriage, our family, our bodies and souls. So I started this year almost 40 pounds heavier, discouraged, exhausted, and physically worn out, both of us with bodies aching from age, too much work and not enough exercise. With Shanna out of town at her Mexico Advance for church, we drove to Cannon Beach on Saturday, January 17.

We drove up Highway 30 and stopped at a rest area with breath-taking ice and snow-covered trees and a view of the Columbia River. We stopped for a quick lunch, shopping at Scrapbook Connection and then checked in at our hotel, Hallmark Resort. Our room had a spectacular view of Haystack Rock. We splurged and booked a spa afternoon…a massage and foot treatment for Russell and a facial and massage for me. After two hours of pure bliss, we wobbled our way back to the hotel…just in time to witness a gorgeous sunset. We had dinner at one of our favorite coast restaurants…Doogers and fell asleep by 9:30…unheard of for us.

Sunday, January 18 was one of those unexpected miracles of the Oregon coast…a warm (60 degrees) with no wind days…we did a bit of shopping but spent most of the day on the beach walking, talking, praying and just soaking in the miracle of the ocean. We found a card that totally expresses how we feel about the beach: I come to the sea to breathe…and so we did. The ocean is a balm to my soul…a place where I can let go of my stress and just let the spirit of our Creator calm me…where I can give my burdens to Him…where I can cry and sing and rejoice in this beautiful place and come back to my life with a sense of hope and renewal. Thanks to Jennifer, my sister-in-law, who picked Shanna up from church and brought her home so we could stay and watch an absolutely stunning sunset before heading home.

 

Transformation Retreat...

As part of my transformation process over the next year (I’ll be 50 next year), I am working on making some changes in my life (see posts about my transformation notebook). I asked for a retreat weekend for my birthday and that’s where we…my wonderful husband Russell and I are now. We are spending three days at the Oregon Coast…relaxing, being a couple (which can be a challenge given our schedules and a busy teenage daughter) and spending time talking, praying and setting some goals for our lives. I found a retreat book (from this website A Womans Way) and some of the questions or exercises included the following:

I am most proud of (list of 10-20 things in your life).

How do I see myself?

How do my friends and co-workers see me (not sure if I’m supposed to ask them).

Ten events- people and/or situations that have made me who I am.

I am most grateful for…

20 things I dream of having, doing or manifesting in my life.

Letter to myself written at the age of 80 for the me now

What is my perfect life…now, in five years and ten years

 

Because I have a husband who loves me and wants to make me happy and improve our marriage (which is already absolutely awesome), he did the exercises/questions too. It’s been interesting, emotional and affirming to find out that we are striving for and wanting the same things. We’ve spent several hours yesterday and today walking on the beach and talking…you remember those talks you had when you were dating and getting to know each other and you could spend hours sharing your heart…that’s what it’s been like. I think talks from the heart are best done in the car (with no kids or distractions) or walking…and we’ve done both. It’s been such an awesome experience for both of us and let me tell you, when you’re sharing your hearts desires, fears and thoughts, the physical intimacy increases dramatically…which is a happy thing, especially without our teenage monitor (Shanna calls us “little nasties” when we kiss or are in any way affectionate in front of her and I’m not talking about anything even slightly inappropriate in front of a child)…she’s appalled...like most teenagers...that her parents have a physical relationship “at our age”…and any reference to sex just gets her going…she recites flower names and closes her eyes!).

Last night when we shared our answers to the above questions, my answers to How do I see myself? were in fact, quite close to Russell’s answers…mine were: organized, efficient, stoic, obsessive, neat, bossy, reliable, responsible, loyal, hard-working, punctual, positive, happy, conscientious, a self-starter but not always a finisher, hospitable, sometimes critical and judgmental of myself and others. After I read my list to Russell, I said I sound like one of those St. Bernard rescue dogs…I guess there’s worse things to be but I want to have more fun in there. 

 

I love fresh flowers and candles, so I brought both...my favorite candles are from Illuminations (thanks Sandra for introducing me to these). Our favorite scent is Cranberry-Orange...what a delicious smell. We stopped at the grocery store on the way to the beach house and got a few treats and these beautiful fall flowers. We agreed that for this weekend, we wouldn't bring any movies or watch any TV...we have a number of favorite TV shows but are coming to the realization that TV can suck your life away so we're making a conscious choice to only watch a few favorites this fall, so we've been talking, reading, listening to music on the Ipod (if you don't have an Ipod, you're missing out)...where else can you have all your favorite music from your entire lifetime (and before) in one place, along with sitting on the deck or in front of the windows enjoying the sights and sounds of the Oregon coast.

 

If you're ever in Tillamook, Oregon, there are a few "must-see" places to stop including the Tillamook Cheese Factory and the Blue Heron French Cheese Company. It's actually a working farm...we were treated to a rooster in full cock-a-doodle-doo crowing mode, the antics of an amorous mule trying to get it on with his less than cooperative female companion (he got a few kicks for his efforts after he pulled on her tail and chased her around the barnyard), a collection of old vehicles dating back to the early 1920s, and inside samples of cheeses and dips and an eclectic collection of kitchen doodads, signs, figurines and other things to spend your money on.

 

A short drive up Highway 101 to Garibaldi where Russell got to see an old steam engine train (have I mentioned how much he loves trains and model railroading?) and ironically, across the street, a Dairy Queen (we love buying a quart of the vanilla and taking it home for a late night treat). It's been a truly fantastic day and a half and we've still got the rest of today and all day tomorrow. Mini-vacations are a wonderful thing...hope you're enjoying your weekend...more later. I'm off to take a nap...all this thinking is wearing me out.