Musings of an Unfinished Woman

A New Day

Yesterday was one of those emotional weepy days that we women sometimes have. I had a doctor appointment with a rheumatologist, my first visit with this doctor. To be honest with you, I was looking forward to the appointment, hoping that I would get some answers about why I’ve been feeling so crappy. It was definitely not my best doctor appointment ever. I absolutely love my primary care doctor, my nephrologist and my gastroenterologist (who knew I would have so many ologist’s in my life!). She was critical of my current treatments with my regular doctors, kept asking if my left eye was “bulging” out, which is an indication of Graves Disease, etc. I love Kaiser and have received excellent care, so was a bit taken aback by her bedside manner. My veins aren’t that great so it took three tries before they could find a big enough vein to fill eight vials of blood. In the last three weeks, I’ve had more than 20 vials of blood work done!

 
By the time I left Kaiser, I was upset and didn’t feel I had any answers at all. Last year, Russell took me to a lovely park in an area of town I’m not familiar with...it is Peninsula Park and Rose Garden. It is one of Portland’s older parks and features original lantern-style streetlights, stone pillars, beautiful brick walkways and walls and a 100 year old fountain in the center of a rose garden. Not just any rose garden but a 2 acre garden with almost 9000 rose bushes. Since taking Karen Russell’s photography class, I have been taking my camera with me. Even though it was cloudy with a chance of rain, I decided to stop at the park and “smell the roses” with my camera. One of the unexpected things I have discovered through the weeks of Karen’s class is that photography has the power to take me to a place of peace and tranquility. I spent over an hour wandering through the gardens, taking photos, enjoying the sight and smell of so many beautiful flowers and I was able to relax and let go...for awhile at least.

When I got home, I made the mistake of reading the literature that the doctor had given me on “possible diagnoses”. I was feeling so bruised and upset and couldn’t talk to Russell since he was driving the truck with a supervisor. You know how one thing can just make everything seem worse than it is...that’s how my afternoon went. Finally pulled myself together and tried to scrapbook, but when Russell was able to call it was to tell me he would be late getting home, which put me over the edge again, so I was rude to him. We rarely fight so having been rude and snippy to the one person who loves me unconditionally made me feel like a shrew. I’m thankful to have such a wonderful husband, who loves me in spite of my faults.

One of the photos I took yesterday was a piece of graffiti written on a brick wall...it says: "Try 2 Stop Me" and so that's my motto for today. I am choosing to stay positive and happy. In the words of Anne Shirley “today is a new day with no mistakes in it”. I don’t like being negative and weepy...it’s so exhausting. Being happy and positive is much easier, so I threw away the literature from the doctor and will wait until test results come back to face whatever diagnosis there is.

 

So...happy Friday! A few more photos from my walk in the garden. Have a great weekend!

 

 

 

 

Joan Anderson Retreat

Two weeks ago, I was at Whidbey Institute on Whidbey Island (a fabulous place to escape). I was there with 35 women for a Second Journey retreat by Joan Anderson. I have written before about Joan’s books and how they have touched my soul and opened my eyes to the possibilities of more. It was such an extraordinary experience and so reassuring to know that I’m not the only woman who wants more. Actually, I would say that I and most of the other women retreaters – needed to stop and listen to that voice shouting inside of us to stop – examine – dream – and feel the magic of a Second Journey. My wonderful husband, Russell, gave me the retreat for my birthday and ironically, there was another woman there whose husband gave her and her best friend the retreat for her birthday.

 

I’m not sure how I can explain what the retreat was about. One of the things Joan said is that women are the carriers of culture. We need to become scholars of our self and soul. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else in our life, seeing to our children, work, home, making time for our marriages, extended family, outside activities, etc. We did a calendar exercise which was quite revealing. We had to remember all we could about the activities from last year and then rate how many of those activities or events were for someone else (or if we had to do all the work to make the event happen). How much time did we spend on ourselves, on indulging ourselves in something that nourishes our soul and makes our heart sing? Not surprisingly, most everything I listed had to do with Shanna, school, family events, work, etc. Those are definitely things that we do because we love our children, spouse and extended families. How much time did I spend on me? Not much. Most of us have lost our childhood wonder, our ability to let go and laugh, sing, dance and be goofy.

 

Whidbey Institute (www.whidbeyinstitute.org) is located on 70 acres of evergreen forest and meadow lands laced with a network of walking trails which encourage creative interaction, exploration and deep reflection. I stayed in the Farmhouse, a beautifully restored 19^th century barn red home with 8 tiny bedrooms upstairs (it was like staying at Grandma’s house with the sloped roof and the quilt on the bed). There are no televisions, radios or phones at Whidbey Institute and we were all asked to turn our phones and computers off and leave the world behind for 48 hours. Who knew that 32 very diverse women, ranging in age from 40 up to 72, from 15 states and Canada, could come together in a quest to find themselves (I know, that’s very 1980’s). I just read an article by Bruce Goettshe entitled: “The Prerequisite for Joy”. Have you ever had someone tell you, "I need to find myself"? As goofy as it sounds, you and I know that this is a figure of speech which means a person is trying to understand their purpose, their personality, their deepest aspirations. They feel confused and disoriented. When we know God's peace, all the pieces come together. People who need to find "themselves" are not really looking for themselves...are looking for Jesus. He is alone is the source of peace.”

 

I have spent a lot of time praying and reflecting on what my next step in life should be. On Saturday, we spent 6 hours in silence (no talking at all). We went to the Earth Sanctuary, a beautiful 72-acre preserve. At Earth Sanctuary, nature is the top priority. Reclaim your spirit in its beautiful forests and reflective ponds. Experience megalithic sacred sites and eco-art, walk the labyrinth, amplify your prayers at the Native American medicine wheel. Enjoy the abundance of birds while walking the nature reserve's two miles of paths.” It was truly a spiritual place. I spent hours walking, finding little chairs and benches to sit on while enjoying the sounds of nature, watching herons performing their mating rituals of gliding and dancing in and above the lake. We were each given a box lunch (wearing multiple layers to ward against the cool and rainy weather). As a rule, I’m not a journaler except on the computer but we were each asked to bring a journal to write our thoughts and wishes, to let our heart speak on paper. We spent almost 5 hours in silence, communing with nature. That evening, we gathered together with some wine and appetizers and we talked, cried and laughed until our sides hurt. Without exception, this retreat was a major highlight and event in my life. I can’t wait to go to my next Joan Anderson retreat…if you have the opportunity and are wanting to make some changes, go to one of Joan’s retreats (www.joanandersononline.com).  Absolutely fabulous!

 

Being Worthy

I haven’t blogged in ages. I’ve been trying to keep up with all my classes (taking 16 credit hours is a much heavier load than I anticipated!) and I’ve learned some truths about myself this semester. As much as I wanted to love the Digital Photography program, it just wasn't right for me and after meeting with advisors, I have switched to the Office and Project Management program. I love photography and assumed that love would translate into a new career path. Trying to learn Photoshop and Dreamweaver was an exercise in futility for me - it was like learning a foreign language without a guide. Between having to purchase additional expensive equipment and hating the technical aspects of photography, it was becoming a dreaded job, not a passion, and I don't want to hate something I love.

 

I need to acknowledge that I am very good with office and administrative work. I am very competent at organizing and event management, so I am concentrating on enhancing my current skills to get a job that will fit my skills and talents. One of the classes that has been surprisingly difficult is my Writing class. I’ve always loved to write and haven’t ever had a difficult time putting my thoughts down. This class was all about making x = y thesis statements and writing about a “value”. We had to evaluate other classmates written assignments. Apparently, I’m too “verbose and wordy”. Talk about taking the fun out of writing. I just submitted my final paper for writing and am back to blog writing, where hopefully, I won’t be criticized for my writing techniques, style and lack of “value”.

 

Speaking of not being good enough…why is it that we (speaking mostly to women) find ourselves always trying to measure up to something that is often unattainable? One of my favorite blogs belongs to author, scrapbooker and artist, Ali Edwards. Today she wrote “You are Worthy: You are Enough”, which is the subject of a new DVD by Dr. Brene Brown, entitled “The Hustle for Worthiness”. Why do we feel we have to justify ourselves? Dr. Brene writes:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”

 

Have you ever felt that way? I believe so much that God created each of us in His image and He loves us just the way we are…so why do we not love ourselves? I am struggling with that very issue…

· I am overweight

· I don’t have a job

· My daughter is having eating issues, what can I do to fix it?

 

So just for today, I want to embrace the idea that “I am worthy now”. Check out Dr. Brene’s blog and join me in acknowledging and believing in your worthiness.

 

Memories of Mom

Memories of Mom...I thought about my Mom more than usual last week...remembering, wishing, missing and thankful. She would have been 69 on May 4, and then within the same week, is Mother's Day. This was one of the few years when I did really well heading off the grief. If you're a motherless daughter, then you know what I'm talking about. My Mom died 16 years ago very unexpectedly at the age of 52, after a hysterectomy...one that I had encouraged her to have because my own hysterectomy was such a life changing health event for me (I had female problems from the age of 11 until my hysterectomy at age 31).

We had just adopted Shanna and had celebrated the adoption being final the Sunday before, so the last photos I have of my Mom are of her and my Dad with the three grand kids. I'm thankful that my Mom died in such a quick and painless way...several of my friend's parents have died long, agonizing deaths and while I envy them the opportunity to say goodbye, I have no regrets in my relationship with my Mom...except for a few of my teenage years, she and I had an awesome relationship and were best friends.

The older I get, the more like my Mom I am...I used to hate it when someone would compare us...now I pray that I have some of my Mom's character traits and talents. More than anything, my heart hurts that Shanna didn't get to know her Grandma Florine. My Mom would have loved Shanna's uniqueness, her sense of style and humor, her absolute belief in right and wrong, her innate kindness and most of all, the way that she loves and serves the Lord. I miss my Mom's hearty (loud) laugh that came from her soul (Shanna tells me I laugh too loud...something I used to tell my Mom when I was a teen...someday, hopefully she'll appreciate my laugh). My Mom struggled with her weight nearly her entire adult life, as do I. My Mom loved the Lord so much and was such a creative, giving, loving person...that's one of the best things about being a Christian is knowing that I'll see her again someday...I imagine her in a beautiful heavenly garden and I'm thankful to have my very own "gardening" guardian angel. I love you and miss you Mom.

I think there are women who are born to be Mom's...they have that something extra and just seem to revel in all that motherhood entails. I'm not one of them...I love my girl with all my heart and soul but being a parent is hard work. I love this photo of my Mom and I...

My friend Amy (she and I have shared the journey of having Hep C and going through the year of treatment) is getting ready to have her first baby in just a few weeks. Amy, you're in my prayers and I can't wait to share this new journey with you! Amy and I met in Stacy Julian's Library of Memories class. While I was browsing online at the posted pages, I noticed a page about Hep C and I contacted her...we've been online friends for over two years...isn't the internet wonderful!

Quote of the Day

Let go of perfection, of striving to be flawless. Let go of the woman you always thought you ought to be, and fall in love with the wonderful woman you are."

 

Thanks BonnieRose for the wonderful quote. This photo is of my daughter Shanna, taken at Disney World last fall. One of our favorite family traditions is taking silly hat pictures. I pray that she will always know what a strong confident, beautiful young woman she is and how proud we are of her.